Posted Oct 28, 2009 ~ (6 Months into widowhood)
Mid October brought its’ fair share of stress and new issues to
confront. In my last post, I shared that I was dealing with two
significant days on my calendar: what would have been our twelfth
wedding anniversary and October 21st marked six months since Buck’s
home going. Just prior to these important days was a deadline to
get my income taxes prepared, as I had been given a six-month
extension. Thanks to my dear friend Wendy, I did not have the
stress of finding my way in unfamiliar territory, and having to
parallel park on a busy York main street. I haven’t parallel parked
in over 15 years! Getting everything together for the CPA was not new to
me, as I was the record keeper in our family. The challenge was
putting my hands on the necessary documentation, as things are not
exactly organized around here, having just moved into our new home
just three months before Buck’s heart attack on New Year’s Eve. I
was thankful to have that responsibility behind me.
Our wedding anniversary was a “pajama day”. October 18th was a
Sunday, but I decided not to go to church. I spent the weekend with
my daughter, Sarah, and her family. Being with them on days that I
anticipate might be extra hard emotionally is always helpful to me.
They provide love, comfort, support and distraction, which get me
through the difficult days. Early in my day, I watched the video of
Buck’s memorial, which Dave W. so kindly put together for my
family. It is a gift we will always treasure! It
was the first time I had seen it and it was wonderful to hear the
glowing words from family, friends and caretakers testifying to
what Buck meant to them and how he impacted each of their lives.
Each speaker gave our family a very precious gift!
In the evening, Sarah and I watched our wedding video, which I
had not seen for nearly twelve years. Watching the memories unfold
had an emotional impact of course, but I got through it a lot
better than I thought I would. Reliving the most joyful day of our
lives was difficult to watch and even more painful was hearing my
precious husband’s voice. Tears rinse my face again as Buck’s voice
echoes in my heart!
Sarah and I wrapped up our day with watching the slideshow that
she and her husband Bob had created for Papa Bear’s memorial. It is
getting easier to view it without falling apart. One evening about
a month ago, I was home alone and decided I would be brave and
watch it again, after not seeing it since the memorial in the end
of June. I was totally unprepared for my reaction as I watched the
representation of Buck’s life, backed up with the powerful music
Sarah and I had chosen. I experienced weeping like never before; at
least twice as intense as the worst of my “ugly cries”. I had never had a weeping session of that
duration. It opened a floodgate that consumed me for 45 minutes. I
found myself in a fetal position on my bed, as the power of the
pictures and the music overwhelmed me with a depth of emotion I
didn’t know was within me. All of it felt unfamiliar and the volume
of my cries surprised me. The intensity of emotional pain doubled
me over and brought me to my knees. At one point, I was kneeling by
my bed and was too weak to stand and crawl into bed. My breathing
was rapid and my body automatically went into the same breathing
techniques I learned in my natural childbirth classes before Sarah
was born. I guess I was naïve to think that I had gotten through
the worst of this journey. I suppose that was wishful thinking.
When my emotional experience was behind me, I was left feeling
weak and exhausted. It was well past the dinner hour and I was
hungry, but too tired to do anything about it. When my normal
breathing returned and I was able to climb into my bed, I made
myself feel better by beginning to read “Heaven Better By Far”, by
J. Oswald Sanders. It comforted me to learn about and anticipate
the reality that Buck is enjoying. It is also reassuring to me to
realize that everything I am experiencing is normal, necessary and
important in my journey of grieving.
So the roller coaster of emotional ups and downs continues. The
mourning comes in unpredictable waves. It’s all a
natural part of the grieving process, and an indication of the deep
love I had for my Bofren. The intense feelings are temporary and
they pass. I survive and take another step closer in the healing of
my broken heart. There is no heart so broken, that the Lord cannot
mend it and make it stronger, as we trust Him with each new day. My
faith and my personal relationship with Jesus, and my family and
friends continue to sustain and support me as I move forward,
finding joy in the precious gifts from God, that all of them are to
me. Thank you for caring about me and continuing to check in on me
by following my journal. I count you among my many blessings!
