More Closure On An April Anniversary

Posted Apr 2, 2010 (11 months into widowhood)

Yesterday had a very emotional start that began with remembering that it was an anniversary of the day that Buck and I returned to York Hospital, after his grueling five week stay at the University of Maryland Medical Center. I decided that this would be the day to go back to visit. I thought the anniversary would make a fitting date to go back; my first time since my sweetheart went ‘Home’.

I was feeling exhausted, but was inspired to bake an Angel Food cake: Buck’s favorite dessert, to bless my friends in the OHICU. My first prayer yesterday was for the Lord to provide the energy to get this cake together and get me out the door and on my way to the hospital, or is wasn’t going to happen. I also prayed that I could bless and encourage someone today. Together, we got it done. Interesting, that Buck’s beloved treat was a heart healthy food, unlike other choices he made in my absence. But I won’t go there now; we all have weaknesses. I just wonder if there is Angel Food cake in heaven? I’m sure anything he is enjoying now, pales in comparison to anything I ever prepared for him!

Just making the trip to the hospital again was difficult, but the Lord reminded me to focus on all the beauty around me. So I enjoyed all the splashes of yellow, as the daffodils and forsythia were plentiful, not to mention the pleasure from the exquisite spring weather!

As I entered the hospital doors, the aroma of fresh brewed coffee and sweet treats from the Atruim Café greeted me and I tried hard to swallow the emotion that came flooding in. I was able to maintain until I walked through the Open Heart unit doors. It was then that I could feel my heart pounding as I was greeted with a warm hug from Reanne, the secretary,

Unfortunately, none of my friends were there except Nurse Dwayne, RaeAnn, and Evie, one of the ladies who attends the waiting room. They all made me feel welcome and comforted me with their compassion and tenderness. Hopefully, some of my friends from night shift and today’s beloved staff enjoyed the cake I prepared for them.  Going back was very difficult, as I knew it would be! As I entered the unit I saw a patient in his bed. From a distance he looked a lot like Buck, but my heart prompted me to look away. I knew I would not be able to stay composed, if I allowed that thought any entrance. No one was in Room 10, so with permission, I visited Buck's empty room to deal with my grief: the same room where Buck left us behind to make his grand entrance into Heaven. Even though the room was void of anything that kept my sweetheart attached to this life, it still felt very much like sacred ground! I like to think more closure took place during those moments.

As I was leaving the hospital, I called nurse Dustin, but he didn't answer his cell phone. He told me to make sure I called whenever I visited, because he lives close to the hospital and would come to see me, even if he wasn’t working that day. So the day I semi-dreaded, didn’t turn out as I had hoped, but it seemed God had another plan in mind. In fact, He answered the prayer I prayed early in the day. I’ll share that story another day.

In the mean time, I continue to be so blessed by your interest in my life as I go on without my beloved Bofren, and I appreciate all your wonderful messages and feedback as I journey and journal on. God is teaching me so much as I move forward through this painful valley and I am excited to share those lessons with anyone willing to listen. Most importantly that He is with me (and you) and He is Faithful. This experience has been the hardest situation I’ve ever had to face: life changing, but in some ways, the best part of my life so far! I don’t understand how that can be; I only know it is true. The intimacy I now enjoy with the Lord is undeniable!

I am so thankful that I don’t have to make this journey alone. The Lord provides so much comfort through His presence and your love, concern and prayers. Thank you for your part and Happy Resurrection Day to all of you! He is alive and we are forgiven... if we really understand what Jesus did for us on Good Friday and comprehend what Easter is really all about. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, please ask me. God has offered abundant life to all of us, even in the darkest valleys of life. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT TO SEE IT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    John 10: 10 reads: …I (Jesus) came that they may have life, and have it ABUNDANTLY.