No Kings Or Camels ~ Part 1

Posted Jan 8, 2010

My first Christmas season without my Bofren is now behind me and I can’t help but reflect on how different it was without his presence. As my journey as a widow progresses, I am learning how much I don’t know about myself, and how easily and unexpectedly my emotions can surface. One thing I did know for certain; this year and probably all future years, our Christmas Eve traditions (as described in my “Scroogette” entry) would not be upheld. Frankly, I didn’t know what my Christmas was going to look like this year, but it would be a season of new traditions.

It wasn’t until I made a live wreath at my friend, Pat’s, invitation, that I had any desire to dress up my home for the holiday season at all. The wreath inspired me to do a little more, so I started by hunting for the stable that housed all our Nativity pieces. If I was going to decorate, I was going to keep it simple. I was in search of three pieces only: the baby Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. There would be no livestock and no Kings and their transports.  I was pleased by it’s simplicity and will probably want to duplicate it in years to come.

As Christmas grew closer, I thought about the fact, that if I didn’t put a tree up, it would be the first time in my life that one of my favorite traditions would be missing. At that point, it didn’t feel right and I knew I had to do something about it, although I knew it would be painful emotionally and would require a lot of energy, which has been greatly lacking over the last several months. I knew it would be worth the effort and looking back, I realize I needed to maintain that tradition for me, even if no one else saw it.

Scroogette

This is a repost from my first Christmas spent as a widow. This year (December, 2012) will be my fourth Christmas without the love of my life to share it with. I think it would be safe to say that I'm still a Scroogette. However, I enjoy Christmas more than I used to, because I don't get involved in the holiday machine. New traditions have been set in place and my Christmas season is much simpler, more relaxed and enjoyable now. For that I am so thankful! Perhaps more about that in the near future.

Posted Dec 20, 2009 (9 Months into widowhood)

I have never done a survey, but I would be willing to guess that most people are Christmas lovers. I have a confession to make. I’m not one of them… I am not a Christmas person. My reasons are many. Buck and I both shared an attitude towards retailers who started their Christmas sales focus prior to the end of October. It seemed that Back To School sales had barely wrapped up before the artificial trees and decorations came out. Then there was the issue of our favorite radio stations beginning to play Christmas music on Thanksgiving Day or earlier. Frankly, we would not listen to the radio as much as usual, until the week before Christmas. Then we would welcome and enjoy the special seasonal music. I’m sorry to sound like such a Scrooge, but this is honestly how we felt.

My main frustration was the addition of all the responsibilities that came with the holiday season. These, plus an already full schedule, made for a stressful month of preparation. Being the classic procrastinators that we were, surely didn’t lighten our load. Some of us never figure out that it’s possible and very wise to think about, and shop for, gifts throughout the year. Christmas encompasses many things that I hate; things like shopping and crowds, long lines and snarled traffic, deadlines and decisions, because I am not creative with my gift giving inspiration. I have a difficult time making decisions about what I like, let alone trying to decide what my loved ones might enjoy. Then, of course, there would be the new five to ten pounds that I ‘found’ every January, after working throughout the year to lose them...again, (but that’s a personal problem).

It has been our tradition to have our family gathering on Christmas Eve each year. All our children and grandchildren would come together to enjoy Buck’s specialty: his wonderful fried deer steak dinner that he lovingly prepared for all of us. I have never mastered making it as well as he did. I was his assistant, but he was the main chef for this annual feast. In addition to the venison, his menu consisted of mashed taters and gravy, corn, green beans with bacon, cranberry sauce and biscuits or cornbread. I would be responsible for making desserts, usually German Chocolate Cake, Peanut Butter Pie and ice cream. It was the highlight meal of the year that all of us looked forward to.

I rarely got to see what presents everyone got, because I was the gifts distributor for Buck and I, and I could never convince my sweetheart that opening our gifts one at a time was a reasonable way to do things (my opinion). Occasionally, I would catch someone’s reaction as they opened one of the gifts from Buck and I, but for the most part I missed all of that, and that has always been disappointing for me.

All the activities and preparation left no room for the very reason we celebrated. There never seemed to be any real focus on what Christmas was all about: the celebration of the birth of our Savior. It seemed like the only attention given to the ‘reason for the season’, was the cake I made the past few years with ‘Happy Birthday Jesus’ spelled out on the top of the cake with chocolate chips. When our Christmas Eve celebration was over and the all the gifts were packed up to travel to their new homes, we would send our loved ones off with smiles and hugs, and I would spend my remaining energy cleaning up the kitchen. 

After our family would leave, I would experience the same emotions each year. I would ask myself; ‘what just happened here?’ I thank God for cameras or I probably wouldn’t have any Christmas memories. After everyone went home, Buck and I would feel spent from all the preparation and relieved that it was over for another year. Please don’t misunderstand; we loved getting together with our family. But the time invested in all the preliminary activities would leave us too exhausted to go to the last Christmas Eve service at our church. We both would feel disappointed when we didn’t have energy enough to be there to celebrate the birth of our Lord.

This year will be very different, as I just don’t have it in me to carry on our family tradition. I hope our children and grandchildren still love me after my ‘true confession’ and know that I won’t be offended if anyone addresses me as Scroogette in the future!

I am not certain if I will post another entry in my journal before Friday, so I would like to take this opportunity to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! I hope it will be a special time with your family and friends. Thank you for continuing to care about my journey.

Love,

Renee'

Weekend Detour

My first homemade wreath

Posted Dec 16, 2009 ~ ( 9 months into widowhood)

We never know what a new day might bring. It’s called ‘Life’ and so often we find ourselves in places that certainly weren’t on our agenda for that particular day. On Friday, my friend Pat invited me to her house to make a Christmas wreath. Frankly, I didn’t feel like making the effort, as I have been feeling very fatigued and unmotivated lately. But I decided to go anyway, knowing spending time with my sweet friend would probably lift my spirits. I’ve never made a live wreath before, but Pat was well equipped with a variety of different types of greens and interesting natural materials to embellish my wreath. She even had a really cool tool mounted on a stand, that closed the clamps on the metal frame foundation of the wreaths. This would have had to been done with a hammer otherwise. This nifty tool saved lots of time, energy and thumbs! Pat was very patient with her coaching and I came away with a beautiful live wreath and lifted spirits, having spent the afternoon with my friend!

As I was getting ready to head home, all of a sudden, I had a strange visual disturbance. I could see just fine, but my central vision had an oval in it with a fringelike edge. I could see through the oval, but the fringe on the oval had motion all around the edge. This weird symptom lasted for about a half an hour, very slowly moving from central to my peripheral vision, then disappeared. I called my ophthalmologist and she told me to come in right away, although their office was already closed. She gave me a very thorough examination and couldn’t find anything ocular that would produce such symptoms. She recommended that I go to the Emergency Room, because of my medical history, so off to Harford Memorial Hospital I went, as it was only a few miles from her office.

I was very fortunate not to have to wait, and was called into triage as soon as I finished my brief paperwork, then, right into an examination cubicle. This is where the waiting process began, and the sounds of the monitors were disturbing to me at first, bringing back memories from Buck’s hospital days. The Lord helped me to pull myself together and separate myself from the painful memories and then I was okay. After telling my story to many different staff members, blood work was started and an IV placed in my arm for future use if necessary. A CAT scan of my head followed. All tolled my ER visit lasted about four hours, which gave me lots of opportunities to think about the fact that I still haven’t written my will or made any advanced directive decisions yet. Other than that, I had Peace throughout the whole experience and was able to remain calm. My only discomfort was a headache and hunger pangs. Around midnight, I was told that the blood work results and CAT scan didn’t show what might have caused the strange symptoms, and they would like to admit me for further tests.
My tests included an MRI, MRA, Echocardiogram (which brought back the painful memories again), and a Carotid arteries study in addition to extensive blood work. I learned that I have a healthy brain and heart, and beautiful carotid arteries, according to the ultrasound tech and all blood tests except one came back within normal range. I was discharged Sunday night with a flu shot and a more elaborate, mysterious, medical history and a new story to share.

I also think I made a new friend. One of the staff members shared that she asked God for some encouragement as she prayed on her way to work on Saturday. She blessed me so much by telling me that I lifted her spirit and made her feel comforted. What a blessing to get a glimpse of God’s network. That is the kind of God we serve. He knows what we need, and hears our prayers. My encounters with this precious young woman made my two-day detour feel worthwhile! Thank you Lord, for letting me see You at work!

Thanksgiving Solitude

Posted Thanksgiving Day, Nov 27, 2009 ~ (Seven months into widowhood)

Thanksgiving is a day to celebrate with family and friends, and a day to remember all we have to be thankful about. I didn’t anticipate that Thanksgiving Day would be difficult for me, since most of our married life, Buck would travel to W.V. for three weeks each November to go deer and wild turkey hunting and to spend time with his Mom and siblings. Once again, I was wrong, I didn’t see it coming.

A few weeks ago, my sister, Colleen, invited me to join her and my brother-in-law at their home for Thanksgiving dinner. My Mom and Dad would also be there if they felt up to it. I accepted their invitation and said I would bake a pumpkin pie to add to the feast I knew they would prepare.

Last weekend, I decided it would be nice to go to York Hospital to visit whoever was working in the Open Heart ICU on Thanksgiving Day. I just wanted to say hello and to thank them once again for all they did for us, and for all they do for their patients in general. But by Tuesday, I had changed my mind and decided that wasn’t in their best interest or mine, as I've had a cold for two weeks and I was feeling very vulnerable emotionally as Thanksgiving approached. On Tuesday, I decided that what I really wanted and needed was to be home, to enjoy the comfort and solitude that only my home could provide.

So my Thanksgiving Day was a pajama day and I slept till 10 AM. Once awake, I read my Bible, my devotionals and spent the one on one time I needed with the Lord. Nothing else provides the restoration that I require to keep me moving forward, however slowly that might be. First gear is always preferable to standing still. I also wrote in my daily journal. That helps me remember what I’ve been doing with my life, otherwise I would have no recollection. Sad but true… my short-term memory is pretty much non-existent. If I don’t write it down, it’s gone forever!

Hunger pangs finally motivated me to get out of bed at 3 PM. I could count on two hands, the few times I have prepared a complete meal for myself this year. But today would be one of those days. I knew my Mom would ask me what was I going to eat, when she found out I wouldn’t be joining my family for Thanksgiving dinner (once a mother, always a mother). I had my menu ready when the question cam. I was even able to say that I had a small pan of cornbread baking in the oven in Buck’s honor, as it was one of his very favorite foods. I think it helped my Mom to know that her “baby girl” would at least be eating well, although she really didn’t like the thought that I would be eating alone. Thankfully, everyone understood, no feelings were hurt, and I got what I really needed…Solitude!

About a month ago, I had an idea: a visual reminder that I am never alone and that the Lord is always here with me. I set out a place setting of my pretty heirloom china at the head of my dining room table. Tonight, the Lord and I had a candlelight dinner to commemorate my first Thanksgiving without my sweetheart. Buck would tolerate candlelight dinners on occasion, just to make me happy, or if he had prepared a romantic dinner for me as he did on several wedding anniversaries. But for the most part, he preferred to see what he was eating! I asked my Guest to bless the meal I had prepared and I reminded Him of all the many blessings I am thankful for. I told Him I still don’t understand, but I trust Him with my future and I know it will be good. I cried. I ate my pork chop, acorn squash, fresh steamed broccoli and my chocolate pudding and felt satisfied that I had prepared a healthy, though not traditional holiday meal for myself.

After dinner, I called York Hospital’s OHICU to see who was working tonight and was surprised to find that only two nurses were on duty, as there were only two patients in the unit to care for. I got to speak to Theresa and Renee. It was so wonderful to reconnect with them both.

As this Thanksgiving Day comes to a close, I feel rested, peaceful and thankful! Thankful that another “first” is behind me and my heart is full of thanksgiving for the innumerable blessings that I enjoy each day. I count all of you among those wonderful gifts given to me this year. Thank you for caring and for your continued love and support. I hope your Thanksgiving Day was happy and memorable.

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Remembering Buck In A Tangible Way

Posted Nov 2, 2009 ~ (Six months into widowhood)

October 21st marked the six-month point, since my Sweetheart was called home and I wanted to do something creative to remember him. Buck was a man’s man, but he loved flowers as much as I do. We both had strong opinions about varieties, garden arrangements and color combinations. Buck had very strong feelings about the fragrances of certain flowers: lilacs, for example. He had no tolerance for them and they were never to be considered as an option in our landscaping plans. I did not fuss with him about it, as he almost always let me have my way about … well, about almost everything pertaining to our home and yard. My Bofren was very laid back and easy going. I’m not so sure he would be able to say the same about me, but he loved me anyway. A few years ago, I asked Buck if he thought I was bossy. His answer was honest but precious. He said, “Yes, but you’re nice about it". I guess he perceived me as a little bossy at times, but with respect.

When Buck was moved back to York Hospital, after his five-week stay at UMMC in Baltimore, spring had sprung and flowers were plentiful. Easter was upon us, so I brought a beautiful purple hyacinth to Room 2310 for him to enjoy. He loved the strong, sweet fragrance of his favorite flower, and motioned for me to bring it closer, so he could enjoy it close up. It was a sweet surprise and it made him smile. So it seemed fitting to plant some purple hyacinths in front of the new home that he built for me. I also planted a crop of narcissi that day, which will create a colorful yellow background for the purple hyacinths. Perhaps they may bloom around the one-year anniversary of his departure from this life and his joyous entrance into his new life in heaven. I think my Bofren would like the idea of a little commemorative garden planted in his honor!

Blessed Are Those Who Mourn, For They Will Be Comforted

Posted Oct 28, 2009 ~ (6 Months into widowhood)

Mid October brought its’ fair share of stress and new issues to confront. In my last post, I shared that I was dealing with two significant days on my calendar: what would have been our twelfth wedding anniversary and October 21st marked six months since Buck’s home going. Just prior to these important days was a deadline to get my income taxes prepared, as I had been given a six-month extension. Thanks to my dear friend Wendy, I did not have the stress of finding my way in unfamiliar territory, and having to parallel park on a busy York main street. I haven’t parallel parked in over 15 years! Getting everything together for the CPA was not new to me, as I was the record keeper in our family. The challenge was putting my hands on the necessary documentation, as things are not exactly organized around here, having just moved into our new home just three months before Buck’s heart attack on New Year’s Eve. I was thankful to have that responsibility behind me.

Our wedding anniversary was a “pajama day”. October 18th was a Sunday, but I decided not to go to church. I spent the weekend with my daughter, Sarah, and her family. Being with them on days that I anticipate might be extra hard emotionally is always helpful to me. They provide love, comfort, support and distraction, which get me through the difficult days. Early in my day, I watched the video of Buck’s memorial, which Dave W. so kindly put together for my family. It is a gift we will always treasure! It was the first time I had seen it and it was wonderful to hear the glowing words from family, friends and caretakers testifying to what Buck meant to them and how he impacted each of their lives. Each speaker gave our family a very precious gift!

In the evening, Sarah and I watched our wedding video, which I had not seen for nearly twelve years. Watching the memories unfold had an emotional impact of course, but I got through it a lot better than I thought I would. Reliving the most joyful day of our lives was difficult to watch and even more painful was hearing my precious husband’s voice. Tears rinse my face again as Buck’s voice echoes in my heart!

Sarah and I wrapped up our day with watching the slideshow that she and her husband Bob had created for Papa Bear’s memorial. It is getting easier to view it without falling apart. One evening about a month ago, I was home alone and decided I would be brave and watch it again, after not seeing it since the memorial in the end of June. I was totally unprepared for my reaction as I watched the representation of Buck’s life, backed up with the powerful music Sarah and I had chosen. I experienced weeping like never before; at least twice as intense as the worst of my “ugly cries”. I had never had a weeping session of that duration. It opened a floodgate that consumed me for 45 minutes. I found myself in a fetal position on my bed, as the power of the pictures and the music overwhelmed me with a depth of emotion I didn’t know was within me. All of it felt unfamiliar and the volume of my cries surprised me. The intensity of emotional pain doubled me over and brought me to my knees. At one point, I was kneeling by my bed and was too weak to stand and crawl into bed. My breathing was rapid and my body automatically went into the same breathing techniques I learned in my natural childbirth classes before Sarah was born. I guess I was naïve to think that I had gotten through the worst of this journey. I suppose that was wishful thinking.

When my emotional experience was behind me, I was left feeling weak and exhausted. It was well past the dinner hour and I was hungry, but too tired to do anything about it. When my normal breathing returned and I was able to climb into my bed, I made myself feel better by beginning to read “Heaven Better By Far”, by J. Oswald Sanders. It comforted me to learn about and anticipate the reality that Buck is enjoying. It is also reassuring to me to realize that everything I am experiencing is normal, necessary and important in my journey of grieving.

So the roller coaster of emotional ups and downs continues. The mourning comes in unpredictable waves. It’s all a natural part of the grieving process, and an indication of the deep love I had for my Bofren. The intense feelings are temporary and they pass. I survive and take another step closer in the healing of my broken heart. There is no heart so broken, that the Lord cannot mend it and make it stronger, as we trust Him with each new day. My faith and my personal relationship with Jesus, and my family and friends continue to sustain and support me as I move forward, finding joy in the precious gifts from God, that all of them are to me. Thank you for caring about me and continuing to check in on me by following my journal. I count you among my many blessings!

Healing Music and Looking Up

Posted Oct 5, 2009~ (Five months into widowhood)

Given my present circumstances, I am blessed to be able to be alone and not feel lonely. Of course, I am very aware that none of us are ever alone. I feel the Lord’s presence with me so often, especially if I am seeking Him.

When the sky is that clear, crisp, amazing shade of blue, on a gorgeous day like the perfect days we were blessed with this past weekend, I am in awe! Especially the precious sun filled days with the billowy, brighter than white clouds shouting of God’s royalty and majesty! Sometimes, when I study the skies, I wonder how I can so often be totally oblivious to God’s glory all around me, because I am preoccupied by the details of life. We miss so much when we carry our heavy burden backpacks. What a relief when I remember what the Lord commands us to do and leave my concerns with Him. Old habits hang on and die hard! The good news is, as our pastor reminded us a few weeks ago: “We can change because of God’s power within us when we are trusting in Him!”

What is interesting to me is the fact that I sense the Lord most powerfully when I am in my car. I have been listening almost exclusively to several Christian radio stations that play the contemporary music that I love. I enjoy turning the volume up, and didn’t realize just how loud it sounded. One night, I drove down Sarah’s driveway and my 13 year old grandson, Justin, was standing outside by their garage. When I got out of my car, Justin greeted me with:” Wow Nana, you were really rocking out!”

The music ministers to my heart and soul, sometimes flooding me with sorrow because it reminds me so much of my Sweetheart, as he was a true worshiper! And other times I feel only joy as the music fills my being and heals my brokenness. The songs about heaven deliver pain and joy simultaneously as I miss my Bofren so much, but rejoice in the confidence of knowing where he resides: absent from his body and present with his Lord! What Peace and Comfort I enjoy, as I believe God with all my heart and take Him at His Word!

I am thankful for each day I am given, for each one is a gift, but I look forward to sharing the same eternity that Buck is enjoying now! I don’t see this as being morbid in any way, but rather excited expectation to experience what God has planned for those of us, who make a decision to have a personal relationship with Him. I am certain it will be so much more than we can ever imagine or fathom!!!