Sanctuary

A  painting I did of a favorite camping spot in Vermont helps set a tranquil mood in my sanctuary . 

Posted Mar 4, 2010 (Ten months into widowhood)
Since Buck’s home going, I have been using his favorite Bible. It's a New International Version of The Hebrew-Greek Key Study Bible, which was my gift to him on the occasion of his fiftieth birthday. He chose it himself and I had the burgundy leather cover inscribed with his name. He cherished this gift from his Girfren and referred to it (and any Bible he has owned), as his map. I use it each day during my devotional time. Reading the Bible that my sweetheart had used almost exclusively for the past ten years has brought me comfort, because using it makes me feel like my Bofren is still with me, teaching me what was important to him. Like myself, Buck liked to underline and highlight passages that were meaningful to him. Leaving his marks on it as he did created a precious memento and tangible symbol to commemorate his love for his Lord and was indicative of the personal relationship he had with him. Buck left behind one of his most prized possessions and now I benefit from the time he spent within its’ pages! So, needless to say, it is a personal treasure to me, especially when I come across a note in his handwriting!

The void and brokenness that Buck’s absence has created is bigger than any family member or friend can fix, although they do a great job of comforting me whenever I am with them. However, the Lord is filling the gigantic hole in my heart with Himself. He accomplishes this most often, by a sensing of His Presence during my devotional time each morning. So frequently, I feel as though the subject I am reading about, was tailored just for me, so much so that it makes me weep, as the realization strikes me that the God who created the universe knows what I’m feeling and provides just the words of encouragement I need to hear. This has become my favorite part of the day!

Very rarely does a day go by that I don’t sense the Lord speaking directly to me through His Word or through one of the devotionals I’m reading. Never before have I experienced His love and grace like now; but then again, never have I dedicated and set aside this special time to give Him or myself the opportunity to communicate so intimately. I have been greatly blessed by this new discipline and the harvest of spiritual growth that this special time together has yielded. I think this is a season of special grace that the Lord is showering upon me right now as I walk closely with Him as a widow.

I have chosen my bedroom as my place to meet with the Lord each morning, and before I go to sleep at the end of my day. I think of it as my own personal sanctuary. The dictionary defines sanctuary as a sacred place or holy place of refuge. Some synonyms would include comforting words such as: protection, haven, retreat, and a shelter from danger or hardship. Buck’s side of the bed now houses his Bible, my collection of devotionals and my daily journal. The atmosphere is very calming and soothing as my room still has white primed walls and my bedspread and curtains are my favorite shade of blue. My newly named stuffed bear, Critter, lives at the center of the head of my bed, within reach to comfort me whenever the tears come.

At the head of my bed hangs a painting I did about five years ago of a special spot in our favorite campgrounds in Vermont. When I’m sitting in my bed, I face a much-loved wedding gift. It is a piece of artwork, a print of a drawing of Jesus holding a lamb, snuggling contentedly on His shoulder. Whenever I’m struggling emotionally, I like to think of myself as the lamb in the Lord’s arms and my Peace is restored once again. I am so thankful for the peaceful setting the Lord and my Bofren provided for me. It is truly a haven of rest!

A World Of White Winter Waves

I was saving this reposting for a snowy, wintery day, but it never happened. I was very thankful that the "blizzard  conditions" that were predicted last week never materialized. Since spring is just around the corner, I decided to send this out, before the first day of spring arrives next week. This was my most challenging winter weather event since Buck's home-going. It took place the first winter after his passing. It is another story of God's faithfulness.

                                                                            

Wintery view from the back of my home

Posted Feb 8, 2010 (Ten months into widowhood)

As I sip from my hummingbird mug full of hot coffee, milk and a generous sprinkling of Swiss Miss hot cocoa mix (who needs Starbucks?), I enjoy my homemade gourmet beverage and contemplate the beauty of the season. As an adult, I find encounters of a snowy kind to be a challenging love-hate relationship. Buck had no problem dealing with the elements, being the rugged outdoorsman that he was. In fact, I think he enjoyed the challenge and adventure of it all. It also gave him the opportunity to help other people who couldn’t or shouldn’t be moving snow around. He had a huge servant’s heart and few things made him happier!

But now, snow removal is my responsibility and thankfully, God had mercy on me and gave me wonderful neighbors to help me when the storms come. On Saturday afternoon, my neighbor, Mark, plowed my driveway with his Bobcat, and taught me how to use my snow blower. Mark was very patient with me and stayed until I had the hang of how to operate it. Maybe I’ll be a little more self-sufficient, when the next snow arrives. I thought it was kind of fun, aside from getting a frozen face and hands. I finished up just as the sun was setting and stopped long enough to take some pictures of the awesome, unique snowdrifts in my yard.        

You might remember that my Bofren described me as “being like a cat…loves staying close to home”. Yes, that would be me. Cold winter weather makes me want to stay inside and hug the stove (figuratively), and drink lots of hot liquids. On one hand, I hate being cold and I’m not fond of all the extra work a snowstorm generates. Nevertheless, I can't overlook the amazing beauty that a significant snowfall produces!

As I reflect upon the ocean of white that surrounds me, I ponder the sheer raw beauty and aesthetic value. This kind of setting grabbed my attention, long before I understood what the word aesthetics meant. I recall how, even as a little girl, a fresh covering of snow would fascinate me. Just like other children, I looked forward to all the fun we would have sledding, creating snowmen and building snow forts and igloos, but even then, there was a part of me that didn’t want to break the new layer of snow. That part of me has never grown up, as I will still go out of my way to keep my environment as intact and unbroken as possible.

I never realized just how important this is to me until just before the pending storm was due to arrive. As the dark clouds gathered, I noticed a task I had ignored for a couple weeks. While being away from home, we must have had a very windy day, which yielded lots of branches on my lawn and in my driveway. As it started to snow, I decided I needed to pick them up or my view would be spoiled, if there were branches sticking up out of the snow everywhere. Of course, I’m feeling pretty silly now, as obviously no limbs would have shown through, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance. Funny, the things that motivate me!

As I observe this winter wonderland, I question what is it that is so appealing about an undisturbed blanket of snow? Many descriptive words come to mind: lovely, pure, pristine, perfect, peaceful, unspoiled, fresh, tranquil, newness, seamless; covering over everything undesirable and ugly. It occurred to me that this is also a beautiful word picture for how our Heavenly Father sees us, when we make the decision to accept His precious Son, Jesus, as our Lord and Savior. In so doing, we acknowledge that we know we all have a history of wrong doing, short coming and sin.

I once heard sin defined as missing the mark, such as the bull’s eye on a target. The target that all of us miss is our Heavenly Father’s standard of perfection. His holiness cannot tolerate sin. That’s why His amazing love for us cost Him the life of His Son, who was the only sinless person who could pay the price for our sin and was willing to sacrifice His life to do so. That’s what salvation is: a gift from God that we can accept or reject; a concept simple enough for a child to understand. We need only accept His gift, agree that we are all sinners, and believe that Jesus died for us, was buried and that God raised Him from the dead. This is very different from thinking we can earn our way into heaven, or believe that surely our good deeds outweigh the wrong we have done. The truth is we can never be good enough. "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ. Romans 3:23-24

As I walk this journey of grief, since my sweetheart was welcomed into his eternal home, the Lord has given me a new passion to share my faith and also the desire to share all that He is teaching me during this difficult season of my life. I have believed since January last year that many more people would be in heaven because of my Bofren’s journey. I still believe that with all my heart. I pray that you will also see the beauty of this word picture as an inspiration from Him for all of us. The desire of my heart is to have painted a beautiful picture of God’s amazing love and grace. I leave you with His words to ponder: “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow…” Isaiah 1: 18

Bear Hugs

Critter Stands Ready

Posted Feb 23, 2010 (Ten months into widowhood)

When Buck was in York Hospital, he and all the Open Heart ICU patients were given Heart Bears. They were specially designed bears called Cough Buddies, to hold against their chests or abdomens after a heart or abdominal surgery. Holding pressure against their incisions would help alleviate pain whenever they coughed. To my knowledge, my Bofren never used his, maybe because of all his monitors and life support machines attached to him.

This odd shaped bear came home with the rest of Buck’s belongings after my sweetheart was called to his eternal home. For many months, the bear decorated a chair in my bedroom. In January, I was having a really hard day and spotted the bear from across the room. I don’t know why I did it, but I picked up the bear and held it tightly against me. I was surprised by how firm and lifelike it felt and was strangely comforted by holding the bear in my arms. As I closed my eyes, it felt as though I was hugging a person; which was just what I needed at that moment. The bear now stands ready on my bed and has become a sponge for my teary moments at home. I never would have thought that an inanimate object would be of any benefit to me. I was very wrong, but so pleasantly surprised by learning from my own experience. I’m so glad I listened to that small voice in my heart. I truly never anticipated such a satisfying feeling and I’m not ashamed to admit how comforting it is to hold onto that silly stuffed animal.

Sometimes, when I stay overnight at my daughter and son-in-law’s home, I share a bedroom with Colin, my four-year-old grandson. During a recent stay, I noticed a baby doll on the floor and asked Colin if his dolly ever slept with him. He said, “Not too much, but Toby  (his small stuffed bear) sleeps with me a lot”! I told Colin that I had a bear too! Colin’s response was, “What you’s bear’s name, Nana”? I replied,” You know Colin, my bear doesn’t have a name. I’m going to have to think about that”. So, I have tried on many a name for my bear. The name I settled on was "Critter", in honor of my Bofren’s reference to most animals as critters. Notice the small red heart on his paw. That just triggered another memory.  Buck often said: “I need to wash my paws”.

I don't want to suggest that hugging my bear can compare to hugging a person; but I can’t deny that it makes me feel better to hold it against my heart! I have no memories of a childhood attachment to any stuffed animals, but now I am inclined to think that little children have the right idea and are smarter than us grown-ups sometimes.
  
God knew my need before I did and this Heart Bear was ultimately intended for my use to help alleviate some of the pain from my broken, but healing heart.

Valentine’s Day Blessing

Posted February 14, 2010 (Ten months into widowhood)

In a recent post, I shared that much to my surprise, my thirty-five year old Christmas Cactus bloomed for the first time this holiday season. What I neglected to point out was that I also have a second-generation cactus that I propagated about four or five years ago.  I had accidentally broke a lot of pieces off the “old timer” while transporting it in my car. After posting about God’s Christmas gift titled, “A Christmas Miracle”, I noticed that the “old timer’s kids” were just starting to show signs of new growth. I thought the timing was somewhat unusual. It is a Christmas Cactus after all.

I have watched with excited anticipation as the buds developed. This time there were only three blossoms, which I sensed might be symbolic; perhaps to represent the Trinity. When I woke this morning, I was delighted to see that the first of the three blossoms had opened to wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day! Again, I have decided that this is no insignificant coincidence, but rather another precious gift from God to help make it crystal clear that He knows all about me, hasn’t forgotten me, and He and my Bofren wanted to bless me on this day God knew would be difficult for me! I think the Lord and I will have another candlelight dinner to remember my sweetheart tonight!

This flower from heaven made me feel very much loved, as does your continued support and concern in following my journey! Happy Valentine’s Day!

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love. Psalm 147:11

Blessed By Griefshare

Posted Feb 2, 2010  (Ten months into widowhood)

In September, I started attending a support group called Griefshare. It was a 13 weeks program facilitated by two precious ladies from Mt. Zion United Methodist Church in Bel Air, Md.: my home church. At first, I thought that our support group was unique to my church only, but I learned that Griefshare is a program available in many locations nationwide as well as internationally.

The group’s program consisted of a weekly video seminar featuring personal stories of people who were grieving the death of a loved one and expert insights on topics important to grief recovery. The video was followed by a discussion time, to talk about what we had just seen, about our discussion questions, and whatever was on our minds and hearts; while all the while being pampered and showered with Lorraine and Jamee’s wonderful hospitality. I looked forward to and enjoyed my Monday meetings and learned so much about the grieving process. For example: what was or wasn’t normal and that I could expect my emotions to be unpredictable and sometimes surprising in their level of intensity. It also validated everything I was experiencing and I found that to be very comforting and helpful. In addition, I enjoying the new friendships of people who were also learning to cope with their losses.

One of the most beneficial things I came to understand was that there was no getting around the process. Going through the grief was the only healthy way to face my loss. Any attempt to not deal with the painful emotions as they surfaced would only delay the healing that needed to take place. This was one time that procrastination was not an option, if I wanted to get better and fully participate in my life again. Sooner or later, the emotions would come out. I decided that sooner sounded more favorable.

We talked about how to cope with the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries and other significant days. I realized that I would need to create a new normal, but observe that although there were many painful moments, my life was still so good! My reality was forever changed, but I had to make the decision to recognize all the blessings that surrounded me. Otherwise, it would be very easy to get stuck in grief and just survive, instead of appreciating all my numerous blessings and living the full and precious life that God has planned for me. I realize that this process is normal and necessary and may take a long time, but I definitely don’t want to stay where I am emotionally and I’ve decided that facing my grief head on would be the best way for me to work through my feelings.

I know I can not accomplish this in my own strength. Never have I been more dependent on my relationship with my Lord than I have been since New Year’s Day last year. Nor have I ever enjoyed such a sweet, authentic time of closeness and sensing His presence. In my heart dwells the understanding that time does not heal all wounds; Jesus does. Lorraine (our facilitator) made it very clear early on, that without the Lord, she and the Griefshare experience had nothing to offer us. My participation in Griefshare had a significant impact on helping me to cope with my grief and I would highly recommend the program to anyone who is dealing with the loss of anyone important in their lives, be it a spouse, parent, child, sibling, relative, or friend. Attending Griefshare is one of the most important things I have done for myself to keep me moving forward and I am so thankful for the time that Lorraine and Jamee invested on my group’s behalf.

I know I will not be traveling this road alone. The Lord has been so faithful to strengthen me each day, providing the grace to get through TODAY, just as He has promised He would. I am still so blessed to be surrounded by so much love from all of you. Thank you for your caring support as I travel on.

A Christmas Miracle

Posted Jan 29, 2010 (My first Christmas season as a widow)

When I was growing up in the suburbs of Baltimore, my family never had any gardens or houseplants, so, I had zero experience with raising anything green. When I was twenty, I moved to Whiteford, Md; and pretty quickly took on the identity of a country girl. I planted a huge vegetable garden and learned to can green beans, tomatoes and peaches and also educated myself in the domestic art of jelly and jam-making from the wild berries I picked along the roadside.

Slowly, I accumulated a variety of houseplants, usually propagated from cuttings from my friends. Among those plants was a Christmas Cactus that I have nurtured for over thirty-five years now. I learned by trial and error and murdered many a perfectly good plant!

I lived in a wooded area, so the light availability was not desirable for sun loving plants. If you mix in my lack of experience and knowledge, complicated by not having the best of growing conditions, you get spindly, struggling plants. It was survival of the fittest and that’s what my Christmas Cactus proved itself to be. It adapted to its’ low light environment and never really grew very much; it just survived… for twenty-five years.

When Buck and I married, I became a Pennsylvanian, moving to the A-Frame house that he built not far from the Md.- Pa. state line. This environment was better, but still not ideal. While visiting a friend of Buck’s, I noticed that they had their Christmas Cactus outside where it could get rained on. That got my attention. Then, Buck’s Mom gave me a book on houseplants and I was shocked by what I learned! All those years, I was under the false impression that my cactus required very little water. I didn’t realize that it was a succulent and not a true cactus, and needed so much more water than I had provided. I had been unknowingly guilty of cactus cruelty. Not only had it been light deprived, but the poor plant had been thirsty for over TWENTY-FIVE YEARS! When I started watering it properly and moved it outside onto our porch in the summer, it started to grow again. I was thrilled!

After we married, we acquired what I thought were two more Christmas Cacti, but they bloomed faithfully every year at Thanksgiving. Although the original cactus thrived, it never did bloom in the ten plus years that it lived in our home in Airville. While we lived in our camper for eight months, building our home, all our house plants and furniture lived in our neighbor’s basement, and it was fun to witness the transformation that took place introducing our plants to much better living conditions, when we moved into the new house. Our first autumn season in our new home brought numerous blossoms on the two Thanksgiving plants, while Buck was in West Virginia for his annual three week hunting get away. All three plants had been subjected to the same conditions and level of attention but still no blossoms on ‘the old-timer’. This has always been a disappointment to me.

When I had my candlelight dinner with the Lord on Thanksgiving evening this year, the twin cacti were radiant with pink blooms and added lots of color to my dining room. Now, imagine my surprise, when I noticed that the ‘old-timer’ also had signs of new life on the tips of some of the leaf ends, as the twins were finishing their showy display! At first, I wasn’t sure if it was just new growth, or if indeed, this living object I had nurtured for so long, was going to come to life with a flashy demonstration of colorful flowers, just in time for Christmas!!!

       A Christmas Miracle: The 'old-timer' blooms for the first time in over 35 years!!!

The "old timer" started blooming around December 20th, so I was concerned that I would miss the long awaited treat, while I was away from home spending the holidays with my family. After returning from my twelve-day stay at Sarah and Bob’s home on January 5th, I thought it was likely that I had missed the show. Much to my delight, only three blossoms were spent! Not only did I not miss the show, I am very excited that the blossoms are still coming, with six flowers still remaining! I LOVE IT!!!

I don’t believe that our loved ones can look down on us, once they have left the reality they knew here on earth, but I do trust that my sweetheart has face-to-face contact with the Lord. Consequently, I wonder if perhaps Buck made the request to bless his Girfren in such a unique way! I have received this wondrous, timely gift, as a Christmas surprise from my Bofren, or maybe a precious present from the Lord, just for me! Either way, it is a Christmas miracle I will never forget!!! The Lord and my Bofren both knew what JOY this would bring to my heart!

First Christmas Without The Papa Bear

 Posted Jan 21, 2010  (First Christmas season without my sweetheart)

Sarah told me she was glad I was not with her family, the day they went searching for their Christmas tree. They always go to a nearby tree farm to find the perfect live tree. Sarah said she was taken aback when she noticed the driver of the tractor that was following behind their hay wagon. The driver was a husky, broad shouldered man wearing a Carhart jacket, baseball cap and sporting a full, light gray moustache and beard. From a distance, this gentleman could have been my Bofren’s twin! Seeing him had a powerful effect on my 13-year-old grandson, Justin. Sarah said Justin’s eyes were tear filled and she, herself, had to look away, so she wouldn’t be overcome with emotion, because of this man's striking likeness to her beloved Papa Bear. I’m thankful that I wasn’t part of that family outing. Seeing a Buck look alike might be more than my heart could handle right now.

We all knew that this Christmas season would be very different and difficult and really didn’t know what to expect, so we decided that I would stay with Sarah’s family starting on Christmas Eve. Sarah and I had discussed the possibility of going to a church nearby for a candlelight service, but I knew I wasn’t up to it and there was still much to do to help prepare for Christmas Day.

My plan had been to spend five days with my family and head home after a doctor’s appointment on Monday. After three very full days of visiting with my family and extended family, I had nothing left in my energy bank and had to cancel my doctor’s visit and ended up staying another week in Sarah and Bob’s home. It hadn’t dawned on me how much I would need their love and support as the New Year rolled in, marking the first anniversary of the beginning of our new challenging journey. Just like all year long last year, they were there for me again when I needed them the most.

Spending nearly two weeks with Sarah and family was just what I needed. It was very painful at times and the absence of Buck's presence was felt very strongly by all of us, but in some ways it was one of the nicest Christmases I've ever had. In keeping everything so simple, though I often felt sad, it was the least stressful Christmas season I can remember. For the first time in my life, I was able to spend time focusing on the true reason for the season, and I think my Bofren would really like that!

 Breakfast Crepes With The Fam Christmas Morning: Kyrie, Sarah, Justin, Colin and Bob