A Personal Resurrection

Posted Apr 20, 2010  (One year into widowhood)

Several weeks ago, I shared that I had discontinued the use of my anti-depressant medication, in order to find out how well I would be able to manage emotionally, without the aid of the prescribed drug. I needed to know how I would do on my own. I really wasn’t feeling depressed while using it. I very quickly realized that the drug had a very powerful effect on my emotions and was doing a great job of keeping me on an even keel. I am very thankful that I was able to enjoy the benefit of using it for nearly a year, for it made a huge difference. Without it, I was pretty much a soggy, tear stained, emotional mess, once the drug was completely out of my system. I was uncertain whether I should start taking it again, now fully understanding that it was indeed making a huge difference in the way I was functioning on a daily basis. I decided to wait, as I didn’t experience any clear direction while I prayed about what to do.

I share all of this, because God did something so wonderful for me, but the before and after contrast is what makes the sudden healing of my emotional state of mind, all the more impressive and I consider what happened to me to be another miracle in my life. God showed up in a very powerful way on Easter morning!

If you have followed my journal very long, you know that I struggle with waking early. Easter morning was an exception! I woke before the sun came up and as I peaked out of my bedroom window, the horizon was just starting to glow with the golden hues of the approaching dawn. I grabbed my camera and took pictures of the sunrise from my front porch. Then, still in my pajamas and bare feet, I ventured onto the icy cold dew on my front lawn to take several pictures of my new home. From the moment I opened my eyes, early Easter morning, I felt good, and just knew the day was going to be wonderful; and it truly was! I knew something had changed; I felt wonderfully alive and had an excited expectancy for what the day might bring. I felt quite sure it was not going to be anything similar to the emotionally painful weeks prior to this exilerating day that was awaiting.

During the holidays, I didn’t go to church on Christmas Eve. I decided that going to my dearly beloved home church on Easter morning would also be too painful without my Bofren at my side, but the desire to be in God’s house was very strong. So, I decided to visit a local church that had recently peaked my curiosity. My friends Judy, Pat and I had visited last month, to hear a guest speaker, who was an artist and writer, discuss his recently published book titled: Finding Divine Inspiration. I was very impressed with the church's focus on the arts, including: the visual arts, writing and photography. Each individual group meets monthly. They even have a gallery where artists are invited to show their work based on a central theme. Four times during the year, they also publish selected work submitted by writers in their artist community, both via their email newsletter and hard copy distributed through the church.

As I traveled to church on Easter morning, I prayed that the Lord would help me to connect with someone and perhaps make a new friend. That didn’t happen during the service, but as I looked around after the service, I saw a gentleman, who looked familiar and soon remembered how I knew him. He had prepared our tax return two years ago. I couldn’t remember his name, but I asked and he remembered working with Buck and I. He introduced me to his family and the Senior Pastor.
I was so pleased that God had answered my prayer in arranging that connection. I left the building, but decided to return to visit the ladies room. While there, I found another familiar face. DeAnne was the Arts Director, who had organized and advertised the program, which my friends and I had attended a few weeks ago. We chatted in the narthex for twenty minutes and she encouraged me to join them for their next Studio meeting. I considered meeting up with deAnne to be a divine appointment and felt that God was clearly leading me to become part of this church.

Although I am very saddened to be leaving my Mt. Zion church family, I'm excited about the inspiration that these groups may inspire in my future. The visual arts group will be meeting on Wed. night this week (April 21st). I hope to be able to attend the meeting. I thought this might be a good distraction for me, considering it is the anniversary of Buck's going home.

I spent the remainder of Easter Day with friends and family. It was a wonderful day from beginning to the end! I continue to be so thankful for what the Lord is doing in my life. I am amazed at the contrast of my emotional state before and after Easter and want to praise God publicly for the precious gift He gave me! Aside from some teary moments now and then, and occasional sadness, when memories surface, I feel like a different person. I feel as though the Lord resurrected me on Easter, restoring me to new life! How wonderfully symbolic for Him to bring so much healing on the most significant day of the Christian calendar! Thank You Lord for Your incredible gift! I pray that all who hear about what You have done for me, will know that Your power and love are responsible for the restoration that is taking place. Thank You for providing all I need to fulfill Your plan for my future. I'm sure Buck would also be pleased, knowing that his Girfren is doing so much better now!