A Healing Heart

Posted May 2, 2010  (One year into widowhood)

Another “first” is behind me. April 21st: the anniversary of my sweetheart’s passing from this life to his eternal home, came and went without the emotional response I anticipated might occur, as has been my experience for other such days on the calendar. The sadness is no longer overwhelming and although the memories are frequent and many, I no longer feel the intensity, or pay the painful price of having loved so deeply, as I did before Easter. The restoration that the Lord provided early Easter morning (described in my last entry) is still helping me to move forward in my journey of widowhood. I believe my darkest days are behind me now, as I continue to look to the “Son~shine” of each new day.

There have been days when the natural flow of tears showed up again, because of some recollection of my Bofren, such as finding a forgotten photograph or opening his aftershave just to feel connected again. On occasion, I have wished that I could just have a good, healthy, ugly cry like I had grown accustomed to, but it wouldn’t come forth. It’s a strange feeling. My eyes fill up, my stomach tightens and sometimes my body will shake, but the grief won’t come out. I sense the Lord is saying, “No my daughter, I healed your emotions. Your heart is stronger now. You no longer need to grieve so painfully. It interferes with the JOY I have for you”.
After spending the morning and afternoon with Sarah and some of my grandchildren, I headed home and stopped in to see Jessi to deliver a hug on the way. My plan for April 21st evening hours was to attend the Studio meeting, a monthly gathering of artists at a local church. However, God had another plan. The meeting had been cancelled because the art director decided to give birth to her baby instead. Now that’s a legitimate reason for cancellation!

So, I decided to go to the York Hospital to visit my friends in the Open Heart ICU. This visit was very different from my April 1st trip to the unit, (That occasion was pre-Easter). There was a marked contrast this time: no pounding heart or tears to rinse away my blush, as before. One of the nurses asked if my ears were burning earlier in the day, because Buck’s caretakers remembered and were talking about us. Thankfully, more of my favorite nurses were on duty this time and I had a pleasant, emotionally pain free reunion and another divine appointment to encourage one of the staff members. I love when that happens! Few things make me happier than having the privilege of pointing people to the Lord, for whatever their present need might be!

That day ended with a new homeowner skill of changing the battery in my smoke alarm, CO2 detector. I was shaky on this little assignment, because it involved a stepladder, (I have balance issues) and more importantly, because it was hard-wired and the electric wires had a tab over the battery chamber that read: power connected. It made me nervous! Even when I turned off any circuit breakers that might be supplying the electric, the chirping and computerized voice, (informing me of the low battery), went on and on until I figured it out. The annoying, incessant noise was great motivation to push through the fear of getting shocked and restoring the peace and quiet again! I prayed my way through. I think my Bofren would have given me a high five and a “what a woman”, (with that precious sparkle in his eye, that I miss so much), when I was truly feeling like such a girl! These things don’t come naturally. I’ll know better next time! It’s all good and kind of funny to me now!

My first year of widowhood is behind me and looking back I have learned many things. Namely, my God loves me and has gone before me each step of my journey, holding my hand and often carrying me. I also learned how important true love and friendship is! My loved ones and friends have loved me through the hardest days of my life. You know who you are. I pray you all know how important you are to me! My future is bright and I look forward to seeing what God has planned for me. Thank you so much for continuing to care about my journey. God bless all of you!

A Personal Resurrection

Posted Apr 20, 2010  (One year into widowhood)

Several weeks ago, I shared that I had discontinued the use of my anti-depressant medication, in order to find out how well I would be able to manage emotionally, without the aid of the prescribed drug. I needed to know how I would do on my own. I really wasn’t feeling depressed while using it. I very quickly realized that the drug had a very powerful effect on my emotions and was doing a great job of keeping me on an even keel. I am very thankful that I was able to enjoy the benefit of using it for nearly a year, for it made a huge difference. Without it, I was pretty much a soggy, tear stained, emotional mess, once the drug was completely out of my system. I was uncertain whether I should start taking it again, now fully understanding that it was indeed making a huge difference in the way I was functioning on a daily basis. I decided to wait, as I didn’t experience any clear direction while I prayed about what to do.

I share all of this, because God did something so wonderful for me, but the before and after contrast is what makes the sudden healing of my emotional state of mind, all the more impressive and I consider what happened to me to be another miracle in my life. God showed up in a very powerful way on Easter morning!

If you have followed my journal very long, you know that I struggle with waking early. Easter morning was an exception! I woke before the sun came up and as I peaked out of my bedroom window, the horizon was just starting to glow with the golden hues of the approaching dawn. I grabbed my camera and took pictures of the sunrise from my front porch. Then, still in my pajamas and bare feet, I ventured onto the icy cold dew on my front lawn to take several pictures of my new home. From the moment I opened my eyes, early Easter morning, I felt good, and just knew the day was going to be wonderful; and it truly was! I knew something had changed; I felt wonderfully alive and had an excited expectancy for what the day might bring. I felt quite sure it was not going to be anything similar to the emotionally painful weeks prior to this exilerating day that was awaiting.

During the holidays, I didn’t go to church on Christmas Eve. I decided that going to my dearly beloved home church on Easter morning would also be too painful without my Bofren at my side, but the desire to be in God’s house was very strong. So, I decided to visit a local church that had recently peaked my curiosity. My friends Judy, Pat and I had visited last month, to hear a guest speaker, who was an artist and writer, discuss his recently published book titled: Finding Divine Inspiration. I was very impressed with the church's focus on the arts, including: the visual arts, writing and photography. Each individual group meets monthly. They even have a gallery where artists are invited to show their work based on a central theme. Four times during the year, they also publish selected work submitted by writers in their artist community, both via their email newsletter and hard copy distributed through the church.

As I traveled to church on Easter morning, I prayed that the Lord would help me to connect with someone and perhaps make a new friend. That didn’t happen during the service, but as I looked around after the service, I saw a gentleman, who looked familiar and soon remembered how I knew him. He had prepared our tax return two years ago. I couldn’t remember his name, but I asked and he remembered working with Buck and I. He introduced me to his family and the Senior Pastor.
I was so pleased that God had answered my prayer in arranging that connection. I left the building, but decided to return to visit the ladies room. While there, I found another familiar face. DeAnne was the Arts Director, who had organized and advertised the program, which my friends and I had attended a few weeks ago. We chatted in the narthex for twenty minutes and she encouraged me to join them for their next Studio meeting. I considered meeting up with deAnne to be a divine appointment and felt that God was clearly leading me to become part of this church.

Although I am very saddened to be leaving my Mt. Zion church family, I'm excited about the inspiration that these groups may inspire in my future. The visual arts group will be meeting on Wed. night this week (April 21st). I hope to be able to attend the meeting. I thought this might be a good distraction for me, considering it is the anniversary of Buck's going home.

I spent the remainder of Easter Day with friends and family. It was a wonderful day from beginning to the end! I continue to be so thankful for what the Lord is doing in my life. I am amazed at the contrast of my emotional state before and after Easter and want to praise God publicly for the precious gift He gave me! Aside from some teary moments now and then, and occasional sadness, when memories surface, I feel like a different person. I feel as though the Lord resurrected me on Easter, restoring me to new life! How wonderfully symbolic for Him to bring so much healing on the most significant day of the Christian calendar! Thank You Lord for Your incredible gift! I pray that all who hear about what You have done for me, will know that Your power and love are responsible for the restoration that is taking place. Thank You for providing all I need to fulfill Your plan for my future. I'm sure Buck would also be pleased, knowing that his Girfren is doing so much better now!

A Glimpse Of God's Network

Posted Apr 7, 2010 (A year into widowhood)

I was feeling a little disappointed that I didn’t get to connect with many of Buck’s caretakers last week, when I visited the hospital for the first time since my Bofren went “Home”, (almost a year ago). As I walked the corridors, I pondered my feelings, and then I soon learned why I was there that day. As I entered the atrium area in the lobby, on my way out of the hospital, I heard the piano playing. Sure enough, it was Sydney, the woman I met at the piano last year. She remembered me and hugged me and started to cry when I asked how she was. I feel very strongly that God sent me to encourage her, as she is going through a very hard time right now. She told me she normally volunteered to play the piano on Wednesdays, but last week had switched her day. The Lord has quite a network; I felt especially privileged to be a component that day! I have been a recipient of many of those divine appointments.

Sydney delivered God’s voice of encouragement to me the day I met her last year. As I donned my coat and winter garb to face the cruel weather last January, I lingered in the lobby, as Sydney used her wonderful gift and the beautiful strains of music echoed throughout the atrium. I made eye contact with her as she played and she smiled. As I approached to thank her, she asked if I knew the song she had just played. I told her it sounded familiar; maybe a song I had heard at church. She asked if I worked at the hospital and I told her our story. She lit up and asked if my husband was getting a heart transplant and asked his name. You can imagine my surprise when she said, “My small group prayed for Buck last night”!

While she was at her weekly Bible study, I had called Dave Rahn (heart transplant recipient), whom I had never spoken with before. I was calling to ask if he would consider visiting Buck to encourage him. He had excused himself from his meeting, when I called his cell phone and requested prayer for Buck as soon as we finished our wonderful, uplifting conversation. I was not surprised that strangers were praying for us, but I was blown away by the fact that the Lord wanted me to know it and orchestrated the circumstances to show me His network. He is so good and loves us so much; AMAZING!

As I made my way to the parking lot, I felt lighter and blessed that the Lord would use me as His vessel to bring words of encouragement to one of His own. Sydney just needed a little reminder that her Lord had not forsaken her, although she wasn’t seeing any answers to her prayers. I believe it was a faith building divine appointment for both of us, as it was obvious to us that God had orchestrated our connection once again! That special encounter gave my visit to the hospital great purpose! Thank You Lord, for answering my prayer that morning in such a unique way!
During my time with Sydney, she mentioned that Dave Rahn was not doing well, as it was necessary for him to have another transplant recently and the complications have been many. Please keep him and Sydney in your prayers as the Lord brings them to mind. Many thanks to all my prayer warrior friends!

More Closure On An April Anniversary

Posted Apr 2, 2010 (11 months into widowhood)

Yesterday had a very emotional start that began with remembering that it was an anniversary of the day that Buck and I returned to York Hospital, after his grueling five week stay at the University of Maryland Medical Center. I decided that this would be the day to go back to visit. I thought the anniversary would make a fitting date to go back; my first time since my sweetheart went ‘Home’.

I was feeling exhausted, but was inspired to bake an Angel Food cake: Buck’s favorite dessert, to bless my friends in the OHICU. My first prayer yesterday was for the Lord to provide the energy to get this cake together and get me out the door and on my way to the hospital, or is wasn’t going to happen. I also prayed that I could bless and encourage someone today. Together, we got it done. Interesting, that Buck’s beloved treat was a heart healthy food, unlike other choices he made in my absence. But I won’t go there now; we all have weaknesses. I just wonder if there is Angel Food cake in heaven? I’m sure anything he is enjoying now, pales in comparison to anything I ever prepared for him!

Just making the trip to the hospital again was difficult, but the Lord reminded me to focus on all the beauty around me. So I enjoyed all the splashes of yellow, as the daffodils and forsythia were plentiful, not to mention the pleasure from the exquisite spring weather!

As I entered the hospital doors, the aroma of fresh brewed coffee and sweet treats from the Atruim Café greeted me and I tried hard to swallow the emotion that came flooding in. I was able to maintain until I walked through the Open Heart unit doors. It was then that I could feel my heart pounding as I was greeted with a warm hug from Reanne, the secretary,

Unfortunately, none of my friends were there except Nurse Dwayne, RaeAnn, and Evie, one of the ladies who attends the waiting room. They all made me feel welcome and comforted me with their compassion and tenderness. Hopefully, some of my friends from night shift and today’s beloved staff enjoyed the cake I prepared for them.  Going back was very difficult, as I knew it would be! As I entered the unit I saw a patient in his bed. From a distance he looked a lot like Buck, but my heart prompted me to look away. I knew I would not be able to stay composed, if I allowed that thought any entrance. No one was in Room 10, so with permission, I visited Buck's empty room to deal with my grief: the same room where Buck left us behind to make his grand entrance into Heaven. Even though the room was void of anything that kept my sweetheart attached to this life, it still felt very much like sacred ground! I like to think more closure took place during those moments.

As I was leaving the hospital, I called nurse Dustin, but he didn't answer his cell phone. He told me to make sure I called whenever I visited, because he lives close to the hospital and would come to see me, even if he wasn’t working that day. So the day I semi-dreaded, didn’t turn out as I had hoped, but it seemed God had another plan in mind. In fact, He answered the prayer I prayed early in the day. I’ll share that story another day.

In the mean time, I continue to be so blessed by your interest in my life as I go on without my beloved Bofren, and I appreciate all your wonderful messages and feedback as I journey and journal on. God is teaching me so much as I move forward through this painful valley and I am excited to share those lessons with anyone willing to listen. Most importantly that He is with me (and you) and He is Faithful. This experience has been the hardest situation I’ve ever had to face: life changing, but in some ways, the best part of my life so far! I don’t understand how that can be; I only know it is true. The intimacy I now enjoy with the Lord is undeniable!

I am so thankful that I don’t have to make this journey alone. The Lord provides so much comfort through His presence and your love, concern and prayers. Thank you for your part and Happy Resurrection Day to all of you! He is alive and we are forgiven... if we really understand what Jesus did for us on Good Friday and comprehend what Easter is really all about. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, please ask me. God has offered abundant life to all of us, even in the darkest valleys of life. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT TO SEE IT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    John 10: 10 reads: …I (Jesus) came that they may have life, and have it ABUNDANTLY.

Wake Up Calls

Posted Mar 30, 2010  (11 months into widowhood)

Fatigue has been an uninvited guest throughout this journey and it has been a hindrance to me, making a challenging situation even more difficult. It is hard to recall what an energetic day feels like. There is so much that needs to be done, in addition to all the many projects I want to do, but everyday the energy and motivation elude me.

Until recent months, my daily routine was that of a night shifter… going to bed at 3 AM, but unlike most people, sleeping until 1 PM and often even later. I still began my day with my devotional time and reading the Carepage for that day, which meant that many days I didn’t get out of bed until 3 or 4 PM. The pattern I was developing was ridiculous and I knew I wasn’t helping matters with my night owl tendencies. When my feet finally hit the floor, I started my day feeling discouraged because it seemed my day was already shot. I was also feeling convicted of wasting the precious, God-given gift of time. I sensed that the Lord wanted me to make some changes and He brought this to my attention in a very unique way.

Over the months since my Bofren went home, I have often sensed the Lord’s presence… usually feeling comforted after a good cry, and even more powerfully, through the way His messages speak to me personally during my daily devotional time. This has been a new experience for me and makes me feel all the more certain that the Lord is very aware of our personal struggles and circumstances. It still blows me away, to think that the God who created all things would be so aware of, and care enough to speak to my heart, just what I needed to hear. In doing so, He has not only encouraged me and strengthened my faith, but He is so very real to me, now more than ever before!

In mid-November, something happened that I couldn’t explain. I was sleeping very soundly and was gently awakened by a touch on my shoulder. I’m a side sleeper and felt the soft contact on the shoulder I was resting on. I was not startled by this unexpected experience. I opened my eyes to my empty bedroom. My bedside clock informed me that it was 11 AM. This was not a one-time occurrence. I keep a daily handwritten journal and recorded similar experiences on six different occasions over a three-month span between November and early February. On two occasions, I was awakened at 11AM and the remainder took place at 9 AM. Sometimes, I was alerted by a touch on my hand and once, I was sleeping on my back with my hands tucked under my comforter and folded across my chest. On that morning, I felt the weight of the comforting touch on top of the blanket above my hands. It was a morning that I was feeling somewhat anxious because of an appointment I was anticipating. The message I received on that occasion was: Fear not; I am with you!

I often spend several days with my daughter, Sarah, and her family. Sometimes, I ask Sarah to be my alarm clock and she will wake me in her gentle way by stroking my arm until I waken. While staying in their home, I have stirred in response to Sarah’s touch, as well as being awakened by my four-year-old grandson, Colin. On one occasion, I was touched awake and found myself alone, when I opened my eyes in Colin’s bedroom.

I can picture many raised eyebrows of skepticism in response to my experiences, which I have lovingly referred to as ‘Wake Up Calls’. Frankly, I wasn’t sure if I would share what happened to me over those months. I still can’t explain it. All I know is, these unique incidents have also served to make God more real to me and have deepened my faith in a profound way. I don’t pretend to understand if the touches came from angels, or the Lord Himself! I have received all of this as a special gift from God! I don’t have to understand it; I just know I was greatly comforted by these very personal touches on God’s part, however they were delivered!

I have decided that the Lord wants me to change my ways, so I now set my alarm for 8 or 9AM. This change in lifestyle is a challenge for me, as I still struggle with my night owl ways, rarely falling asleep before 2 AM. I know the Lord will help me make the adjustment in time. I praise and thank Him for getting my attention and helping me through the transition. I know He has plans for me, which I will not accomplish if I choose to sleep my life away. I want to be like Buck and live my life to the fullest!
I would be curious to know if anyone has had a similar experience. Our God is wonderful and good and knows exactly what we need! Thank You Lord, for all You are to me!

No More Numbness ~ Part 2

Posted Mar 19, 2010 (11 months into widowhood)

In spite of all I shared in my last post, I have continued to feel the Lord’s presence, especially during my devotional time. The Lord’s faithfulness has not lessened in any way. God’s Word never promised happiness or pain-free days. His promise is always to walk with us in each and every circumstance...and He does, as we look to Him for comfort. The grief overflows each morning as I read the Carepage entry and relive those painful days from last year, one by one. The pain is intense, but I’m one day closer to being well again.

If I am ever in your presence and you notice glassy or tear filled eyes, please never feel uncomfortable or at a loss as to what you should say. Words are rarely necessary or even helpful sometimes, but a caring touch, or an invitation into the open arms of a friend is more powerful and healing than you can comprehend.

I am seeking the Lord for wisdom, to know if I should just let the mourning process take its natural course; which is my inclination, with the thought that starting the medication again might only serve to prolong the process. It is my heart’s desire to be whole, healthy and healing emotionally. It is my turn to take “baby steps” pushing me in the direction of wellness, day by day. I know my heart will not always be broken. I can continue to make the choice to choose whatever JOY the Lord has for me today. In the meantime, I feel it is healthy to let the pain out; a necessary part of the healing process. The Lord knows about and records each tear. Tears are a gift!

I have heard a saying lately: “Pain is inevitable, however, misery is optional”. Many of us have our own variety of brokenness. It comes in many shapes and forms. My prayer for you is that you will let the Lord help you also, to rise above your brokenness with His strength and His ever-present, never-ending, unchangeable love for you!

It is amazing to me, how therapeutic and helpful it is to write this journal. I started out feeling shaky and broken, but as I went on, I felt stronger and encouraged. Our God is so good! Thanking God for the gorgeous, sunshiny days lately. Just choosing to enjoy them in my pajamas and holey socks (see my last entry ~ Hairbrushes And Holey Socks)! My love to all of you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in Your record? Psalm56: 8

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27: 13-14

No More Numbness ~Part 1

Posted Mar 19, 2010 (11 months into widowhood)

During Buck’s illness, I called my family doctor to request several medications for myself: one to help me sleep and one for depression, so I could be my best in order to be able to encourage my sweetheart. God provided amazing emotional strength during our journey, but I was weary and not holding up like I needed; desiring to be my Bofren’s cheerleading captain. I continued to use both of these medications until recently. After my weekend stay in the hospital in early December, (due to my strange visual disturbance), I was required to make a follow-up visit to my family doctor. I asked if perhaps we could change my depression medicine, because it didn’t seem to be working as well as it did at first. He thought that Seasonal Affective Disorder might also be playing a part in my condition. He recommended that I double the dosage instead. That made me so jittery, I couldn’t stand it, so I tried one and a half as an alternative. I gave the increased dosage a couple months to do its job, but never experienced any improvement.

I don’t know if it was my own thinking or inspiration from the Lord, but I made a decision to stop taking the depression medicine. I needed to know how I would function med- free and I wanted to know if some of my symptoms, such as fatigue and lack of motivation, were side effects from the drug. About six weeks ago, I called my family doctor for instructions on how to wean myself from the medication. It has been about ten days since I finished the weaning process…and I am an emotional mess, (in my opinion anyway)! I spoke to a counselor friend a few weeks ago, about my decision and she said the depression medications often numb the emotions. I realize now, that I just thought I was dealing with my grief, when in reality, I wasn’t feeling a great portion of it. I had frequent periods of sadness of course, but they were almost always attached to a trigger of some kind; sometimes tangible things and personal belongings… sometimes memories. Photos and music always had the most powerful effect and even more so now after eleven months of Buck’s absence. With no numbness or buffer to shield my heart, the full impact has finally hit home and I feel very sensitive emotionally.

I feel as though I have taken a giant step backwards, because I am finding myself in “pajama days” mode once again, and now my morning devotional time is the most painful, tear-filled part of the day, with daily “ugly cries” and noon finds me drained and emotionally exhausted. My stuffed bear: “Critter”,  gets plenty of use on a daily basis as my tear sponge and today I started wearing my towel around my neck again. In my Griefshare support group, we discussed the fact that it often takes six months to a year for our hearts to catch up to our minds, to adjust to the true reality of the loss of a loved one. Intellectually, we know immediately; emotionally, grace cushions our hearts until we can fully take it all in! We also talked about the fact that the second year is often more painful than the first. I was hopeful that I might escape that phenomenon, but it appears I will be no different.