Welcome to Christian Widow's Walk

Dear Readers,

Thank you so much for visiting. If you care to follow my story from the beginning, I encourage you to click on the oldest post first and make your way to newer entries. In so doing, hopefully, you will see the hand of God in my healing journey that started in April, 2009.

Sunday, March 24, 2013


A  painting I did of a favorite camping spot in Vermont helps set a tranquil mood in my sanctuary . 

Posted Mar 4, 2010 (Ten months into widowhood)
Since Buck’s home going, I have been using his favorite Bible. It's a New International Version of The Hebrew-Greek Key Study Bible, which was my gift to him on the occasion of his fiftieth birthday. He chose it himself and I had the burgundy leather cover inscribed with his name. He cherished this gift from his Girfren and referred to it (and any Bible he has owned), as his map. I use it each day during my devotional time. Reading the Bible that my sweetheart had used almost exclusively for the past ten years has brought me comfort, because using it makes me feel like my Bofren is still with me, teaching me what was important to him. Like myself, Buck liked to underline and highlight passages that were meaningful to him. Leaving his marks on it as he did created a precious memento and tangible symbol to commemorate his love for his Lord and was indicative of the personal relationship he had with him. Buck left behind one of his most prized possessions and now I benefit from the time he spent within its’ pages! So, needless to say, it is a personal treasure to me, especially when I come across a note in his handwriting!

The void and brokenness that Buck’s absence has created is bigger than any family member or friend can fix, although they do a great job of comforting me whenever I am with them. However, the Lord is filling the gigantic hole in my heart with Himself. He accomplishes this most often, by a sensing of His Presence during my devotional time each morning. So frequently, I feel as though the subject I am reading about, was tailored just for me, so much so that it makes me weep, as the realization strikes me that the God who created the universe knows what I’m feeling and provides just the words of encouragement I need to hear. This has become my favorite part of the day!

Very rarely does a day go by that I don’t sense the Lord speaking directly to me through His Word or through one of the devotionals I’m reading. Never before have I experienced His love and grace like now; but then again, never have I dedicated and set aside this special time to give Him or myself the opportunity to communicate so intimately. I have been greatly blessed by this new discipline and the harvest of spiritual growth that this special time together has yielded. I think this is a season of special grace that the Lord is showering upon me right now as I walk closely with Him as a widow.
I have chosen my bedroom as my place to meet with the Lord each morning, and before I go to sleep at the end of my day. I think of it as my own personal sanctuary. The dictionary defines sanctuary as a sacred place or holy place of refuge. Some synonyms would include comforting words such as: protection, haven, retreat, and a shelter from danger or hardship. Buck’s side of the bed now houses his Bible, my collection of devotionals and my daily journal. The atmosphere is very calming and soothing as my room still has white primed walls and my bedspread and curtains are my favorite shade of blue. My newly named stuffed bear, Critter, lives at the center of the head of my bed, within reach to comfort me whenever the tears come.
At the head of my bed hangs a painting I did about five years ago of a special spot in our favorite campgrounds in Vermont. When I’m sitting in my bed, I face a much-loved wedding gift. It is a piece of artwork, a print of a drawing of Jesus holding a lamb, snuggling contentedly on His shoulder. Whenever I’m struggling emotionally, I like to think of myself as the lamb in the Lord’s arms and my Peace is restored once again. I am so thankful for the peaceful setting the Lord and my Bofren provided for me. It is truly a haven of rest!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

A World Of White Winter Waves

I was saving this reposting for a snowy, wintery day, but it never happened. I was very thankful that the "blizzard  conditions" that were predicted last week never materialized. Since spring is just around the corner, I decided to send this out, before the first day of spring arrives next week. This was my most challenging winter weather event since Buck's home-going. It took place the first winter after his passing. It is another story of God's faithfulness.

Wintery view from the back of my home

Posted Feb 8, 2010 (Ten months into widowhood)

As I sip from my hummingbird mug full of hot coffee, milk and a generous sprinkling of Swiss Miss hot cocoa mix (who needs Starbucks?), I enjoy my homemade gourmet beverage and contemplate the beauty of the season. As an adult, I find encounters of a snowy kind to be a challenging love-hate relationship. Buck had no problem dealing with the elements, being the rugged outdoorsman that he was. In fact, I think he enjoyed the challenge and adventure of it all. It also gave him the opportunity to help other people who couldn’t or shouldn’t be moving snow around. He had a huge servant’s heart and few things made him happier!
But now, snow removal is my responsibility and thankfully, God had mercy on me and gave me wonderful neighbors to help me when the storms come. On Saturday afternoon, my neighbor, Mark, plowed my driveway with his Bobcat, and taught me how to use my snow blower. Mark was very patient with me and stayed until I had the hang of how to operate it. Maybe I’ll be a little more self-sufficient, when the next snow arrives. I thought it was kind of fun, aside from getting a frozen face and hands. I finished up just as the sun was setting and stopped long enough to take some pictures of the awesome, unique snowdrifts in my yard.        
You might remember that my Bofren described me as “being like a cat…loves staying close to home”. Yes, that would be me. Cold winter weather makes me want to stay inside and hug the stove (figuratively), and drink lots of hot liquids. On one hand, I hate being cold and I’m not fond of all the extra work a snowstorm generates. Nevertheless, I can't overlook the amazing beauty that a significant snowfall produces!
As I reflect upon the ocean of white that surrounds me, I ponder the sheer raw beauty and aesthetic value. This kind of setting grabbed my attention, long before I understood what the word aesthetics meant. I recall how, even as a little girl, a fresh covering of snow would fascinate me. Just like other children, I looked forward to all the fun we would have sledding, creating snowmen and building snow forts and igloos, but even then, there was a part of me that didn’t want to break the new layer of snow. That part of me has never grown up, as I will still go out of my way to keep my environment as intact and unbroken as possible.
I never realized just how important this is to me until just before the pending storm was due to arrive. As the dark clouds gathered, I noticed a task I had ignored for a couple weeks. While being away from home, we must have had a very windy day, which yielded lots of branches on my lawn and in my driveway. As it started to snow, I decided I needed to pick them up or my view would be spoiled, if there were branches sticking up out of the snow everywhere. Of course, I’m feeling pretty silly now, as obviously no limbs would have shown through, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance. Funny, the things that motivate me!
As I observe this winter wonderland, I question what is it that is so appealing about an undisturbed blanket of snow? Many descriptive words come to mind: lovely, pure, pristine, perfect, peaceful, unspoiled, fresh, tranquil, newness, seamless; covering over everything undesirable and ugly. It occurred to me that this is also a beautiful word picture for how our Heavenly Father sees us, when we make the decision to accept His precious Son, Jesus, as our Lord and Savior. In so doing, we acknowledge that we know we all have a history of wrong doing, short coming and sin.

I once heard sin defined as missing the mark, such as the bull’s eye on a target. The target that all of us miss is our Heavenly Father’s standard of perfection. His holiness cannot tolerate sin. That’s why His amazing love for us cost Him the life of His Son, who was the only sinless person who could pay the price for our sin and was willing to sacrifice His life to do so. That’s what salvation is: a gift from God that we can accept or reject; a concept simple enough for a child to understand. We need only accept His gift, agree that we are all sinners, and believe that Jesus died for us, was buried and that God raised Him from the dead. This is very different from thinking we can earn our way into heaven, or believe that surely our good deeds outweigh the wrong we have done. The truth is we can never be good enough. "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ. Romans 3:23-24
As I walk this journey of grief, since my sweetheart was welcomed into his eternal home, the Lord has given me a new passion to share my faith and also the desire to share all that He is teaching me during this difficult season of my life. I have believed since January last year that many more people would be in heaven because of my Bofren’s journey. I still believe that with all my heart. I pray that you will also see the beauty of this word picture as an inspiration from Him for all of us. The desire of my heart is to have painted a beautiful picture of God’s amazing love and grace. I leave you with His words to ponder: “Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow…” Isaiah 1: 18