I had hoped that the timing of sharing this and the next few posts would have been more timely, but I have been sick with bronchitis since the week before Christmas and still recuperating into the new year.
Posted Jan 18, 2010
In my quest to keep my holiday season as simple as possible, I made the decision not to do any holiday shopping OUT THERE or online; shopping from my gift stash was the best I could do. I just didn’t have the energy or the will. I was amazed by the difference that decision made. Frantic and frenzied activity didn’t exist in my home. All the busyness was replaced with peace and tranquility mingled with many moments of sadness and grief, while revisiting our Christmas history, including so many wonderful memories.
Trimming the tree brought an abundance of tears, as I knew it would. I was surprised that my emotions weren’t more stirred up by finding ornaments I had given to my Bofren, only a few with love notes written on the backs got to me. On the other hand, most of the ornaments Buck had chosen for me over the years, brought a torrent of tears that left me physically weakened, and shocked at the site of the swollen eyed woman in the mirror the next morning.
|My last Christmas gift from my sweetheart|
The ones that affected me the most were the ones we gave to each other last year. Buck chose a white ceramic mitten with a green rolled down cuff. Merry Christmas was written in red lettering and it was dated 2008. There were two bright eyed and broadly smiling faces with Santa hats tucked snuggly into the glove, kind of like a mitten shaped sleeping bag. My Sweetheart was so excited about that gift because he was able to have it personalized with our names printed on the brims of the hats.
My gift to Buck was a silver ornament frame holding a picture of our new home in the open circle, with a note on the back: “Look what Buck & Renee’ & The Lord did. I love you! Apple”. Apple was a new nickname for me that Buck used on his cell phone, so I would be at the top of his list in his address book.
|My 2008 Christmas ornament for my Bofren|
I’m thankful that God gave me the courage to face another important, sentimental first. I miss Buck so much and so many aspects of who he was. Going through my first holiday season without him made that fact very evident. Although decorating the tree was emotionally exhausting, I know it pushed me forward in my journey of healing and hopefully will be less painful next year. In my next entry, I will wrap up my feelings, as I look back on this holiday season.