Posted May 2, 2010 (One year into widowhood)
Another “first” is behind me. April 21st: the anniversary of my sweetheart’s passing from this life to his eternal home, came and went without the emotional response I anticipated might occur, as has been my experience for other such days on the calendar. The sadness is no longer overwhelming and although the memories are frequent and many, I no longer feel the intensity, or pay the painful price of having loved so deeply, as I did before Easter. The restoration that the Lord provided early Easter morning (described in my last entry) is still helping me to move forward in my journey of widowhood. I believe my darkest days are behind me now, as I continue to look to the “Son~shine” of each new day.
There have been days when the natural flow of tears showed up again, because of some recollection of my Bofren, such as finding a forgotten photograph or opening his aftershave just to feel connected again. On occasion, I have wished that I could just have a good, healthy, ugly cry like I had grown accustomed to, but it wouldn’t come forth. It’s a strange feeling. My eyes fill up, my stomach tightens and sometimes my body will shake, but the grief won’t come out. I sense the Lord is saying, “No my daughter, I healed your emotions. Your heart is stronger now. You no longer need to grieve so painfully. It interferes with the JOY I have for you”.
After spending the morning and afternoon with Sarah and some of my grandchildren, I headed home and stopped in to see Jessi to deliver a hug on the way. My plan for April 21st evening hours was to attend the Studio meeting, a monthly gathering of artists at a local church. However, God had another plan. The meeting had been cancelled because the art director decided to give birth to her baby instead. Now that’s a legitimate reason for cancellation!
So, I decided to go to the York Hospital to visit my friends in the Open Heart ICU. This visit was very different from my April 1st trip to the unit, (That occasion was pre-Easter). There was a marked contrast this time: no pounding heart or tears to rinse away my blush, as before. One of the nurses asked if my ears were burning earlier in the day, because Buck’s caretakers remembered and were talking about us. Thankfully, more of my favorite nurses were on duty this time and I had a pleasant, emotionally pain free reunion and another divine appointment to encourage one of the staff members. I love when that happens! Few things make me happier than having the privilege of pointing people to the Lord, for whatever their present need might be!
That day ended with a new homeowner skill of changing the battery in my smoke alarm, CO2 detector. I was shaky on this little assignment, because it involved a stepladder, (I have balance issues) and more importantly, because it was hard-wired and the electric wires had a tab over the battery chamber that read: power connected. It made me nervous! Even when I turned off any circuit breakers that might be supplying the electric, the chirping and computerized voice, (informing me of the low battery), went on and on until I figured it out. The annoying, incessant noise was great motivation to push through the fear of getting shocked and restoring the peace and quiet again! I prayed my way through. I think my Bofren would have given me a high five and a “what a woman”, (with that precious sparkle in his eye, that I miss so much), when I was truly feeling like such a girl! These things don’t come naturally. I’ll know better next time! It’s all good and kind of funny to me now!
My first year of widowhood is behind me and looking back I have learned many things. Namely, my God loves me and has gone before me each step of my journey, holding my hand and often carrying me. I also learned how important true love and friendship is! My loved ones and friends have loved me through the hardest days of my life. You know who you are. I pray you all know how important you are to me! My future is bright and I look forward to seeing what God has planned for me. Thank you so much for continuing to care about my journey. God bless all of you!