Looking back at my journey as a widow, and blessed by how far the Lord has brought me.
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Monday, January 13, 2014
Posted Jun 13, 2010 (One year into widowhood)
Heavy heartedness has been my companion several times this week as I enter my second summer without my sweetheart. The emotions arrive each time one of my favorite symbols of the new season appears announcing that summer is upon us once again.
On Monday, May 31st, I expressed my feelings in my daily journal: another message to my sweetheart. ~ Well Bofren, it’s 8:30 PM on this Memorial Day, almost dusk, and the yard is coming alive with tiny golden lights: the first light show of the season. The magic of the twinkling dancers begins on the ground and slowly ascends until the throng of tiny jewel-like amber flashes find their way to the treetops and back and forth between the earth and sky. The lightning bugs are a tangible proclamation that summer is here! Like so many other things, the appearance of one of my favorite signs of summer brings you to the forefront of my mind. The tears spill as I relive sharing these treasured moments from summers past with you. I miss you and contemplate if there are seasons in heaven. I wonder how we would have celebrated today, if you were still here.
In rereading the paragraph above, I had to smile to myself, because I never talked to my husband like that- only in my heart. Buck never would have tolerated so many words! He really didn’t know that part of me very well. That realization made me feel sad to the point of tears just now and then just as suddenly I had to laugh out loud knowing that my sweetheart would have summed it up by saying, “The lightning bugs are back!”
Last week, I swayed on the glider as I sat on the wonderful front porch that Buck and I built together. It was Buck’s highest priority after our new modular home was delivered and set on our foundation. We worked on the porch floor while the builders finished the inside work. Buck was anxious to finish the porch, so we could use that outdoor living space before we moved in. Most evenings, I would prepare our meals in our camper and serve them on the porch. Our home was set in mid-June of 2008, but wasn’t ready to move into until the end of September. I’m so thankful we were able to enjoy our front porch throughout most of the summer while we waited.
As I enjoyed the glider that night, I was blessed with a double light show as the blinking dancers had already started their performance and I watched real lightning as it flashed in the northeastern sky. Buck taught me that the storms often follow the path of the Susquehanna River, just a few miles from our home. We loved watching the lightning in the distance as it made its’ journey along the river. Enjoying our porch quickly became a new favorite pastime.
I have a memory from our first summer together that made me question the sanity of this man I had fallen in love with.. It was during our courtship days, when a terrible storm was brewing with lightning, loud claps of thunder, scary, high winds, and dark, ominous clouds. Buck was driving me home in the late afternoon, as the storm gathered strength in the north. I was looking forward to getting to safe shelter, as we were on my road, very close to my home. Imagine my surprise, when Buck decided to turn just before my driveway onto a road that would lead us in the direction of the storm! Did I mention that Buck loved thunderstorms? I also love to observe them FROM A DISTANCE! Buck’s sense of adventure inspired him to want to get closer and my common sense made me very vocal about my opinion that he was insane and I wanted to get home NOW! Thankfully, he never did that again, at least when I was with him anyway. On the other hand, he may have been a storm chaser, when he traveled alone.
I often eat my meals on the porch and tonight I was treated to a pleasant surprise. A hummingbird came to visit my geraniums. It was the first time I have seen one here. It’s brief visit inspired tears again, as I remembered how much Buck and I enjoyed watching them at our old house on that porch. One of my last Christmas gifts for him was a hummingbird feeder, which he never got to use. Time to find the perfect place to hang it in his memory! Once I get past the initial sadness that the memories bring, I find great joy in all these wonderful summer blessings.