Posted Aug 19, 2010 (One year and four months into widowhood)
My new role as my mom’s caretaker has created an opportunity for
neglect of some normal homeowner responsibilities. Last night, I
mowed my lawn by moonlight and lawn tractor headlights. It was
8:30ish when I made the last pass around my front yard and for the
first time, I had to mow my stone driveway. Weeds are not
discriminatory about where they live are they? I have decided it is
time to get some estimates on what it will cost for a blacktop
driveway. Necessity is always my most potent motivator.
As it darkened, it was harder to see of course, and I couldn’t help but think: I wonder what my front yard is going to look like when daylight arrives tomorrow. I never cut the grass in the dark before. Just for the record, I still love mowing the lawn in the daylight or the dark. I find it very therapeutic and I understand why my Bofren also enjoyed tending to this seasonal task. I thought for sure, the morning would inspire a giggle or two via some crazy pattern on the lawn; but this morning I was surprised to see that it wasn’t obvious that I couldn’t see what I was doing last night. I could have used a good belly laugh, as I have to confess…joy has been in short supply lately, since another round of the grief wave has shown its' ugly face again.
I thought I was past these intense feelings of vulnerability and emotional pain, but now each remembrance makes my heart hurt. Consequently, I also felt that I had disappointed my Lord, since I had shared that He had healed my emotions on Easter. I still believe He did just that. He healed my heart in an amazing way for nearly four months. How thankful I am, that I was able to share how powerfully He removed my grief. It is a part of my testimony that I will always treasure, because I know without a doubt, it was a personal miracle just for me! Perhaps it was to prepare me for the difficult season I’m in now: a new valley full of challenges and the unknown.
It seems a new wave of grief arrived with my family’s new situation. My very wise daughter, Sarah, pointed out that this is another huge "first" without Buck at my side. He would have been such a comfort to me throughout this new season. My parents thought so highly of my sweetheart; they miss him too! I would have leaned on him heavily and he would have been the one I looked to for support, wisdom and his problem solving skills. I know he would have been so willing to do whatever he could to help my family through this time of transition from individual home to apartment living. Now that I am a widow, I'm depending on the Lord to help me to be there for my parents one day at a time. It is the desire of my heart to be a blessing to my parents during this difficult and demanding time of upheaval and change from everything once familiar to them.
I need to constantly ask God to help me not to worry about tomorrow. His Word commands us: Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34. Many of us are in the midst of such a valley, with a different set of circumstances. I encourage all of us to talk to God often and to look to Him to help us through today…strength for today, just as He promised.
As it darkened, it was harder to see of course, and I couldn’t help but think: I wonder what my front yard is going to look like when daylight arrives tomorrow. I never cut the grass in the dark before. Just for the record, I still love mowing the lawn in the daylight or the dark. I find it very therapeutic and I understand why my Bofren also enjoyed tending to this seasonal task. I thought for sure, the morning would inspire a giggle or two via some crazy pattern on the lawn; but this morning I was surprised to see that it wasn’t obvious that I couldn’t see what I was doing last night. I could have used a good belly laugh, as I have to confess…joy has been in short supply lately, since another round of the grief wave has shown its' ugly face again.
I thought I was past these intense feelings of vulnerability and emotional pain, but now each remembrance makes my heart hurt. Consequently, I also felt that I had disappointed my Lord, since I had shared that He had healed my emotions on Easter. I still believe He did just that. He healed my heart in an amazing way for nearly four months. How thankful I am, that I was able to share how powerfully He removed my grief. It is a part of my testimony that I will always treasure, because I know without a doubt, it was a personal miracle just for me! Perhaps it was to prepare me for the difficult season I’m in now: a new valley full of challenges and the unknown.
It seems a new wave of grief arrived with my family’s new situation. My very wise daughter, Sarah, pointed out that this is another huge "first" without Buck at my side. He would have been such a comfort to me throughout this new season. My parents thought so highly of my sweetheart; they miss him too! I would have leaned on him heavily and he would have been the one I looked to for support, wisdom and his problem solving skills. I know he would have been so willing to do whatever he could to help my family through this time of transition from individual home to apartment living. Now that I am a widow, I'm depending on the Lord to help me to be there for my parents one day at a time. It is the desire of my heart to be a blessing to my parents during this difficult and demanding time of upheaval and change from everything once familiar to them.
I need to constantly ask God to help me not to worry about tomorrow. His Word commands us: Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34. Many of us are in the midst of such a valley, with a different set of circumstances. I encourage all of us to talk to God often and to look to Him to help us through today…strength for today, just as He promised.
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