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Dear Readers,

Thank you so much for visiting. If you care to follow my story from the beginning, I encourage you to click on the oldest post first and make your way to newer entries. In so doing, hopefully, you will see the hand of God in my healing journey that started in April, 2009.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Missing My Bofren!

Posted Jul 17, 2009 ~ (Three months into widowhood)
Hello Loved Ones,
I have not been very faithful in keeping up with my journal lately, but you already know that. Since Buck's memorial, the reality of my Sweetheart's absence is more obvious and more difficult to deal with emotionally. I suppose I got an extended grace period in preparation for the memorial.
Before the celebration of Buck's life, I was able to say that I had more good days than sad ones. Since the end of June, the sad days outnumber the good ones, and usually parallel the degree of distraction from being surrounded by family and friends. Also, a productive day usually coincides with a pleasant day, but unfortunately, I have not felt very motivated; and I find it hard to get started, when there is certainly no shortage of projects I could be doing.
I have been spending a lot of time away from home, and I have decided that I really need to stay home more and get my life in order.
Thankfully, it's not that I am broken and weeping all the time; but rather, there is just a prevailing feeling of sadness that is difficult to override; and it makes it challenging to accomplish even simple tasks. Often, I find myself walking from room to room, trying to decide what to do next. Prioritizing is not part of my vocabulary, because I can’t decide what is most important. I aimlessly do whatever I feel like doing, with no sense of rhyme or reason and get easily distracted and start something else; bouncing pointlessly, without finishing what I started. Frustration is a constant companion.
I have grown increasingly forgetful and unable to concentrate. I constantly embarrass myself by forgetting what I'm talking about, until my friends or family members bail me out, by trying to restore the conversation to where I left off. Sometimes, it doesn't help, and I have to admit I have no recollection of where I was going. I hope I can learn to just laugh at myself, as I would much prefer a good dose of laughter, over the embarrassment I feel each time it happens!
It was greatly concerning me until recently, when I got some information about bereavement from York Hospital in my mail. It was comforting to learn that I am experiencing normal grieving symptoms. I was relieved to know that forgetfulness, lack of motivation, concentration challenges and indecisiveness are very common when you lose a loved one. It's nice to know, what is happening to me isn't so abnormal after all!
I am happy to share that I am continuing to enjoy the Lord’s presence, especially since I have been beginning my day with devotional time. Spending time with the Lord encourages and comforts me. I never feel alone or lonely. I am so thankful for that wonderful gift. I am however, missing my Bofren more and more as time goes by, and realizing increasingly, what a precious gift I had in him!

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