Summer Memories

Posted Jun 13, 2010 (One year into widowhood)

Heavy heartedness has been my companion several times this week as I enter my second summer without my sweetheart. The emotions arrive each time one of my favorite symbols of the new season appears announcing that summer is upon us once again.

On Monday, May 31st, I expressed my feelings in my daily journal: another message to my sweetheart. ~ Well Bofren, it’s 8:30 PM on this Memorial Day, almost dusk, and the yard is coming alive with tiny golden lights: the first light show of the season. The magic of the twinkling dancers begins on the ground and slowly ascends until the throng of tiny jewel-like amber flashes find their way to the treetops and back and forth between the earth and sky. The lightning bugs are a tangible proclamation that summer is here! Like so many other things, the appearance of one of my favorite signs of summer brings you to the forefront of my mind. The tears spill as I relive sharing these treasured moments from summers past with you. I miss you and contemplate if there are seasons in heaven. I wonder how we would have celebrated today, if you were still here.

In rereading the paragraph above, I had to smile to myself, because I never talked to my husband like that- only in my heart. Buck never would have tolerated so many words! He really didn’t know that part of me very well. That realization made me feel sad to the point of tears just now and then just as suddenly I had to laugh out loud knowing that my sweetheart would have summed it up by saying, “The lightning bugs are back!”

Last week, I swayed on the glider as I sat on the wonderful front porch that Buck and I built together. It was Buck’s highest priority after our new modular home was delivered and set on our foundation. We worked on the porch floor while the builders finished the inside work. Buck was anxious to finish the porch, so we could use that outdoor living space before we moved in. Most evenings, I would prepare our meals in our camper and serve them on the porch. Our home was set in mid-June of 2008, but wasn’t ready to move into until the end of September. I’m so thankful we were able to enjoy our front porch throughout most of the summer while we waited.

As I enjoyed the glider that night, I was blessed with a double light show as the blinking dancers had already started their performance and I watched real lightning as it flashed in the northeastern sky. Buck taught me that the storms often follow the path of the Susquehanna River, just a few miles from our home. We loved watching the lightning in the distance as it made its’ journey along the river. Enjoying our porch quickly became a new favorite pastime.

I have a memory from our first summer together that made me question the sanity of this man I had fallen in love with.. It was during our courtship days, when a terrible storm was brewing with lightning, loud claps of thunder, scary, high winds, and dark, ominous clouds. Buck was driving me home in the late afternoon, as the storm gathered strength in the north. I was looking forward to getting to safe shelter, as we were on my road, very close to my home. Imagine my surprise, when Buck decided to turn just before my driveway onto a road that would lead us in the direction of the storm! Did I mention that Buck loved thunderstorms? I also love to observe them FROM A DISTANCE! Buck’s sense of adventure inspired him to want to get closer and my common sense made me very vocal about my opinion that he was insane and I wanted to get home NOW! Thankfully, he never did that again, at least when I was with him anyway. On the other hand, he may have been a storm chaser, when he traveled alone.

I often eat my meals on the porch and tonight I was treated to a pleasant surprise. A hummingbird came to visit my geraniums. It was the first time I have seen one here. It’s brief visit inspired tears again, as I remembered how much Buck and I enjoyed watching them at our old house on that porch. One of my last Christmas gifts for him was a hummingbird feeder, which he never got to use. Time to find the perfect place to hang it in his memory! Once I get past the initial sadness that the memories bring, I find great joy in all these wonderful summer blessings.

If I Could Send A Love Letter

Posted May 23, 2010  (One year into widowhood)

It’s hard to comprehend that it has been thirteen months since you changed your address, Bofren. I have gone through a years’ worth of seasons and now experiencing my second spring without you. I know that you would be glad to know that I am doing so much better now, since the first year is behind me. I wonder what your first year has been like, but then you probably don’t have an awareness of time or anything that goes on, this side of heaven. I think that’s a blessing, because it would be painful for you to witness the transitioning all your loved ones and friends have experienced without your presence. I think you would be surprised if you knew the impact you had when you were here and how very much you are missed now that you are enjoying being a heavenly resident! It comforts me to know you are with our Lord and experiencing indescribable joy. Some day, you can show me all your favorite WOWS!

There is only one family that I can think of, who don’t miss you at all! They would be the rodents of unusual size, or the critters (as you would have called them) in the back yard that would have been dead meat a long time ago, if you were still here. I mowed down all the tall vegetation around their front and back doors so they would have no hiding places. Much to my dismay, they come out to sun themselves, since their personal groundskeeper was so kind to give them a better view of the garden. It’s like I put out a sign reading: Groundhog Heaven; Free Food, Coming Soon!

Although my life is very busy, I think about you many times throughout the day. Sometimes those thoughts bring tears, sometimes smiles and sometimes both at the same time. I think about all the wonderfulness of you that I miss so much. One day last week, one of your co-workers came to help me with some vehicle stuff. Of course, we talked about you the whole time he was here. I told him you were “the best thing that ever happened to me” and he agreed with me, that you left a giant hole in our lives. I was able to keep it together pretty well emotionally, until, as he was leaving, he said, “if it will make you feel any better; Buck really loved you!” Through my tears I told him, “yes, everybody knew that!” Your love was obvious to many! I was so blessed by the love you invested! Thank you for loving me so well and so deeply. To have you to love and be loved in return was two of the most precious gifts God gave to me!

If I could talk to you face to face, there are so many things that I would want to share with you right now. I would want to tell you how Faithful God has been to me and about all the love poured out on me by our loved ones and friends and neighbors. Now, more than ever before, I realize how important you were to me and how much I miss the person you were. I miss your friendship and the way you loved and took such good care of me. I also miss worshiping with you and how you were so committed to carving out time for us to have fun together. But, what I miss the very most are your hugs, Bofren! All was right in my world, when your warm embraces consumed me! I’m sorry, but it makes me weep now, as I think about it.

I know someday, I will be greeted once again by your smiling face, twinkling eyes, mischievous grin and the bear hugs I long for! Until that day, I promise that I will go on finding joy and making the most of each day that God blesses me with; living my life to the fullest, as I know you would! I miss you more than I can say, but my life is good, as I look forward to seeing what God has planned for my future. I will always love you and you will live in my heart forever!
Moving forward until that day!

Love,
Girfren

Life Is Difficult (Sometimes) But Good

Posted May 19, 2010 (One year into widowhood)

Many years ago, I read a book titled: The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck M.D. His first and memorable sentence reads: Life is difficult. How many times have you and I found that statement to be more than true? It seems that few things in life are ever easy. No big surprise if you have been around more than a handful of years. I don’t think that is necessarily a negative attitude, just a realistic one perhaps.

My Bofren was a very handy person and was always willing to tackle almost any project around the house. He was skilled in many areas of homeownership and had an array of power tools, hand tools and a varied selection of all kinds of hardware. After we moved into our new home in the end of September 2008, aside from planting a lawn and some basic necessities such as installing blinds and curtain rods, Buck was itchy to get started with building his dream garage. He had just gotten it under roof and shingled before his heart attack struck him on New Year’s Day, 2009. Obviously, he had been too busy to get any of his tools and hardware organized in that three-month span, so, his inventory is still scattered amongst the garage, shed and basement.

I have few regrets about my relationship with my soul mate, but now looking back, I really wish I would have spent more time just hanging out with him, when he was busy playing his "Handy Andy" role. I could have learned so much from him, if only I had taken the time and I know he would have thoroughly enjoyed being my teacher. My heart hurts right now as I reflect on all he accomplished for us and for so many others when there was a need. He always enjoyed doing projects for other people, more than he liked doing them for us, as he saw the homestead jobs as self-serving and not as important. He only made them a priority because they were important to me and he liked to keep the little woman happy!

Over the past several months, I have been trying to make our new house more organized and homey. A few days ago, I hung some pictures in my living room and of course made more holes than necessary, because I miscalculated. Then my frustration grew when I hung my ironing board holder in my walk-in closet. I’m thinking it must be part of Murphy’s law, that you are guaranteed to run into a wall stud when you don’t want to and they are never where you hope they will be.
I have recently shared that since Easter, I have not been able to have an “ugly cry”. That was before my Powder Room project.

I consider myself to be of average intelligence and trusted that I could install a toilet paper holder. How hard could it be? I’m sorry to say, I handled it poorly! Just finding everything I needed was trying and time consuming. The instructions called for a quarter inch drill bit and yes some of us read the directions. I’m thankful that I realized they were lying when they said it would take 15 minutes to complete the project; the audacity! The drill bit looked bigger than a quarter inch to me, but I trusted what it read, or at least what I thought it read(with my glasses on).

The short version of my story: drill bit made holes too big, only after the drill died and I had to recharge the battery. Had to FIND larger wall anchors and screws to match, that would work with the new bath hardware. I boogered up the set screw so that now it won’t turn either way. The toilet paper holder is on the wall, but one side jiggles. I had the “ugly cry” and a tantrum to boot, and threw the tape measure out of the powder room in frustration! The 15 MINUTE JOB only took most of the afternoon and so it goes with the inexperienced homeowner.

God wasn’t listening to my prayers that day. I was humbled and embarrassed at my behavior. One of these days, I will learn the lesson He has been trying to teach me for years: perfection is not to be experienced this side of heaven. And that day's lesson: it's okay if the holder jiggles.

So, if you come to visit, and need to powder your nose, be very careful if you examine my work(wo)manship, especially any in my circle, who take blood thinners! The set screw is razor sharp and could prove to be a threat to your life. You’ve been warned! Examine at your own risk! I think I will ask for help the next time or at least have someone teach me to identify the right drill bit. It's not fun to learn these things the hard way, but I am learning and life is good. I am thankful!

A Healing Heart

Posted May 2, 2010  (One year into widowhood)

Another “first” is behind me. April 21st: the anniversary of my sweetheart’s passing from this life to his eternal home, came and went without the emotional response I anticipated might occur, as has been my experience for other such days on the calendar. The sadness is no longer overwhelming and although the memories are frequent and many, I no longer feel the intensity, or pay the painful price of having loved so deeply, as I did before Easter. The restoration that the Lord provided early Easter morning (described in my last entry) is still helping me to move forward in my journey of widowhood. I believe my darkest days are behind me now, as I continue to look to the “Son~shine” of each new day.

There have been days when the natural flow of tears showed up again, because of some recollection of my Bofren, such as finding a forgotten photograph or opening his aftershave just to feel connected again. On occasion, I have wished that I could just have a good, healthy, ugly cry like I had grown accustomed to, but it wouldn’t come forth. It’s a strange feeling. My eyes fill up, my stomach tightens and sometimes my body will shake, but the grief won’t come out. I sense the Lord is saying, “No my daughter, I healed your emotions. Your heart is stronger now. You no longer need to grieve so painfully. It interferes with the JOY I have for you”.
After spending the morning and afternoon with Sarah and some of my grandchildren, I headed home and stopped in to see Jessi to deliver a hug on the way. My plan for April 21st evening hours was to attend the Studio meeting, a monthly gathering of artists at a local church. However, God had another plan. The meeting had been cancelled because the art director decided to give birth to her baby instead. Now that’s a legitimate reason for cancellation!

So, I decided to go to the York Hospital to visit my friends in the Open Heart ICU. This visit was very different from my April 1st trip to the unit, (That occasion was pre-Easter). There was a marked contrast this time: no pounding heart or tears to rinse away my blush, as before. One of the nurses asked if my ears were burning earlier in the day, because Buck’s caretakers remembered and were talking about us. Thankfully, more of my favorite nurses were on duty this time and I had a pleasant, emotionally pain free reunion and another divine appointment to encourage one of the staff members. I love when that happens! Few things make me happier than having the privilege of pointing people to the Lord, for whatever their present need might be!

That day ended with a new homeowner skill of changing the battery in my smoke alarm, CO2 detector. I was shaky on this little assignment, because it involved a stepladder, (I have balance issues) and more importantly, because it was hard-wired and the electric wires had a tab over the battery chamber that read: power connected. It made me nervous! Even when I turned off any circuit breakers that might be supplying the electric, the chirping and computerized voice, (informing me of the low battery), went on and on until I figured it out. The annoying, incessant noise was great motivation to push through the fear of getting shocked and restoring the peace and quiet again! I prayed my way through. I think my Bofren would have given me a high five and a “what a woman”, (with that precious sparkle in his eye, that I miss so much), when I was truly feeling like such a girl! These things don’t come naturally. I’ll know better next time! It’s all good and kind of funny to me now!

My first year of widowhood is behind me and looking back I have learned many things. Namely, my God loves me and has gone before me each step of my journey, holding my hand and often carrying me. I also learned how important true love and friendship is! My loved ones and friends have loved me through the hardest days of my life. You know who you are. I pray you all know how important you are to me! My future is bright and I look forward to seeing what God has planned for me. Thank you so much for continuing to care about my journey. God bless all of you!

A Personal Resurrection

Posted Apr 20, 2010  (One year into widowhood)

Several weeks ago, I shared that I had discontinued the use of my anti-depressant medication, in order to find out how well I would be able to manage emotionally, without the aid of the prescribed drug. I needed to know how I would do on my own. I really wasn’t feeling depressed while using it. I very quickly realized that the drug had a very powerful effect on my emotions and was doing a great job of keeping me on an even keel. I am very thankful that I was able to enjoy the benefit of using it for nearly a year, for it made a huge difference. Without it, I was pretty much a soggy, tear stained, emotional mess, once the drug was completely out of my system. I was uncertain whether I should start taking it again, now fully understanding that it was indeed making a huge difference in the way I was functioning on a daily basis. I decided to wait, as I didn’t experience any clear direction while I prayed about what to do.

I share all of this, because God did something so wonderful for me, but the before and after contrast is what makes the sudden healing of my emotional state of mind, all the more impressive and I consider what happened to me to be another miracle in my life. God showed up in a very powerful way on Easter morning!

If you have followed my journal very long, you know that I struggle with waking early. Easter morning was an exception! I woke before the sun came up and as I peaked out of my bedroom window, the horizon was just starting to glow with the golden hues of the approaching dawn. I grabbed my camera and took pictures of the sunrise from my front porch. Then, still in my pajamas and bare feet, I ventured onto the icy cold dew on my front lawn to take several pictures of my new home. From the moment I opened my eyes, early Easter morning, I felt good, and just knew the day was going to be wonderful; and it truly was! I knew something had changed; I felt wonderfully alive and had an excited expectancy for what the day might bring. I felt quite sure it was not going to be anything similar to the emotionally painful weeks prior to this exilerating day that was awaiting.

During the holidays, I didn’t go to church on Christmas Eve. I decided that going to my dearly beloved home church on Easter morning would also be too painful without my Bofren at my side, but the desire to be in God’s house was very strong. So, I decided to visit a local church that had recently peaked my curiosity. My friends Judy, Pat and I had visited last month, to hear a guest speaker, who was an artist and writer, discuss his recently published book titled: Finding Divine Inspiration. I was very impressed with the church's focus on the arts, including: the visual arts, writing and photography. Each individual group meets monthly. They even have a gallery where artists are invited to show their work based on a central theme. Four times during the year, they also publish selected work submitted by writers in their artist community, both via their email newsletter and hard copy distributed through the church.

As I traveled to church on Easter morning, I prayed that the Lord would help me to connect with someone and perhaps make a new friend. That didn’t happen during the service, but as I looked around after the service, I saw a gentleman, who looked familiar and soon remembered how I knew him. He had prepared our tax return two years ago. I couldn’t remember his name, but I asked and he remembered working with Buck and I. He introduced me to his family and the Senior Pastor.
I was so pleased that God had answered my prayer in arranging that connection. I left the building, but decided to return to visit the ladies room. While there, I found another familiar face. DeAnne was the Arts Director, who had organized and advertised the program, which my friends and I had attended a few weeks ago. We chatted in the narthex for twenty minutes and she encouraged me to join them for their next Studio meeting. I considered meeting up with deAnne to be a divine appointment and felt that God was clearly leading me to become part of this church.

Although I am very saddened to be leaving my Mt. Zion church family, I'm excited about the inspiration that these groups may inspire in my future. The visual arts group will be meeting on Wed. night this week (April 21st). I hope to be able to attend the meeting. I thought this might be a good distraction for me, considering it is the anniversary of Buck's going home.

I spent the remainder of Easter Day with friends and family. It was a wonderful day from beginning to the end! I continue to be so thankful for what the Lord is doing in my life. I am amazed at the contrast of my emotional state before and after Easter and want to praise God publicly for the precious gift He gave me! Aside from some teary moments now and then, and occasional sadness, when memories surface, I feel like a different person. I feel as though the Lord resurrected me on Easter, restoring me to new life! How wonderfully symbolic for Him to bring so much healing on the most significant day of the Christian calendar! Thank You Lord for Your incredible gift! I pray that all who hear about what You have done for me, will know that Your power and love are responsible for the restoration that is taking place. Thank You for providing all I need to fulfill Your plan for my future. I'm sure Buck would also be pleased, knowing that his Girfren is doing so much better now!

A Glimpse Of God's Network

Posted Apr 7, 2010 (A year into widowhood)

I was feeling a little disappointed that I didn’t get to connect with many of Buck’s caretakers last week, when I visited the hospital for the first time since my Bofren went “Home”, (almost a year ago). As I walked the corridors, I pondered my feelings, and then I soon learned why I was there that day. As I entered the atrium area in the lobby, on my way out of the hospital, I heard the piano playing. Sure enough, it was Sydney, the woman I met at the piano last year. She remembered me and hugged me and started to cry when I asked how she was. I feel very strongly that God sent me to encourage her, as she is going through a very hard time right now. She told me she normally volunteered to play the piano on Wednesdays, but last week had switched her day. The Lord has quite a network; I felt especially privileged to be a component that day! I have been a recipient of many of those divine appointments.

Sydney delivered God’s voice of encouragement to me the day I met her last year. As I donned my coat and winter garb to face the cruel weather last January, I lingered in the lobby, as Sydney used her wonderful gift and the beautiful strains of music echoed throughout the atrium. I made eye contact with her as she played and she smiled. As I approached to thank her, she asked if I knew the song she had just played. I told her it sounded familiar; maybe a song I had heard at church. She asked if I worked at the hospital and I told her our story. She lit up and asked if my husband was getting a heart transplant and asked his name. You can imagine my surprise when she said, “My small group prayed for Buck last night”!

While she was at her weekly Bible study, I had called Dave Rahn (heart transplant recipient), whom I had never spoken with before. I was calling to ask if he would consider visiting Buck to encourage him. He had excused himself from his meeting, when I called his cell phone and requested prayer for Buck as soon as we finished our wonderful, uplifting conversation. I was not surprised that strangers were praying for us, but I was blown away by the fact that the Lord wanted me to know it and orchestrated the circumstances to show me His network. He is so good and loves us so much; AMAZING!

As I made my way to the parking lot, I felt lighter and blessed that the Lord would use me as His vessel to bring words of encouragement to one of His own. Sydney just needed a little reminder that her Lord had not forsaken her, although she wasn’t seeing any answers to her prayers. I believe it was a faith building divine appointment for both of us, as it was obvious to us that God had orchestrated our connection once again! That special encounter gave my visit to the hospital great purpose! Thank You Lord, for answering my prayer that morning in such a unique way!
During my time with Sydney, she mentioned that Dave Rahn was not doing well, as it was necessary for him to have another transplant recently and the complications have been many. Please keep him and Sydney in your prayers as the Lord brings them to mind. Many thanks to all my prayer warrior friends!

More Closure On An April Anniversary

Posted Apr 2, 2010 (11 months into widowhood)

Yesterday had a very emotional start that began with remembering that it was an anniversary of the day that Buck and I returned to York Hospital, after his grueling five week stay at the University of Maryland Medical Center. I decided that this would be the day to go back to visit. I thought the anniversary would make a fitting date to go back; my first time since my sweetheart went ‘Home’.

I was feeling exhausted, but was inspired to bake an Angel Food cake: Buck’s favorite dessert, to bless my friends in the OHICU. My first prayer yesterday was for the Lord to provide the energy to get this cake together and get me out the door and on my way to the hospital, or is wasn’t going to happen. I also prayed that I could bless and encourage someone today. Together, we got it done. Interesting, that Buck’s beloved treat was a heart healthy food, unlike other choices he made in my absence. But I won’t go there now; we all have weaknesses. I just wonder if there is Angel Food cake in heaven? I’m sure anything he is enjoying now, pales in comparison to anything I ever prepared for him!

Just making the trip to the hospital again was difficult, but the Lord reminded me to focus on all the beauty around me. So I enjoyed all the splashes of yellow, as the daffodils and forsythia were plentiful, not to mention the pleasure from the exquisite spring weather!

As I entered the hospital doors, the aroma of fresh brewed coffee and sweet treats from the Atruim Café greeted me and I tried hard to swallow the emotion that came flooding in. I was able to maintain until I walked through the Open Heart unit doors. It was then that I could feel my heart pounding as I was greeted with a warm hug from Reanne, the secretary,

Unfortunately, none of my friends were there except Nurse Dwayne, RaeAnn, and Evie, one of the ladies who attends the waiting room. They all made me feel welcome and comforted me with their compassion and tenderness. Hopefully, some of my friends from night shift and today’s beloved staff enjoyed the cake I prepared for them.  Going back was very difficult, as I knew it would be! As I entered the unit I saw a patient in his bed. From a distance he looked a lot like Buck, but my heart prompted me to look away. I knew I would not be able to stay composed, if I allowed that thought any entrance. No one was in Room 10, so with permission, I visited Buck's empty room to deal with my grief: the same room where Buck left us behind to make his grand entrance into Heaven. Even though the room was void of anything that kept my sweetheart attached to this life, it still felt very much like sacred ground! I like to think more closure took place during those moments.

As I was leaving the hospital, I called nurse Dustin, but he didn't answer his cell phone. He told me to make sure I called whenever I visited, because he lives close to the hospital and would come to see me, even if he wasn’t working that day. So the day I semi-dreaded, didn’t turn out as I had hoped, but it seemed God had another plan in mind. In fact, He answered the prayer I prayed early in the day. I’ll share that story another day.

In the mean time, I continue to be so blessed by your interest in my life as I go on without my beloved Bofren, and I appreciate all your wonderful messages and feedback as I journey and journal on. God is teaching me so much as I move forward through this painful valley and I am excited to share those lessons with anyone willing to listen. Most importantly that He is with me (and you) and He is Faithful. This experience has been the hardest situation I’ve ever had to face: life changing, but in some ways, the best part of my life so far! I don’t understand how that can be; I only know it is true. The intimacy I now enjoy with the Lord is undeniable!

I am so thankful that I don’t have to make this journey alone. The Lord provides so much comfort through His presence and your love, concern and prayers. Thank you for your part and Happy Resurrection Day to all of you! He is alive and we are forgiven... if we really understand what Jesus did for us on Good Friday and comprehend what Easter is really all about. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, please ask me. God has offered abundant life to all of us, even in the darkest valleys of life. YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IT TO SEE IT!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~    John 10: 10 reads: …I (Jesus) came that they may have life, and have it ABUNDANTLY.